A Letter to my Son

Dear Sebby,
I find myself sitting in my room reflecting on what has happened over the last four years since your passing. I wonder what I have achieved. What I haven’t achieved. When I look back over my goals after your passing I see that I have crossed a few off the list.

  • I managed to get a job relatively quickly after you died
  • I managed to hold down a job after you died
  • I managed to find an apartment in Bratislava
  • I published a book
  • I got my driver’s licence
  • I am going to university again to study counselling

There were a lot more goals on that list that I haven’t accomplished yet. But then again, we can’t always achieve everything. I merely set those goals to have a focus to my life.  To get through the difficult moments in life by keeping busy. That was a good strategy to have…

But I became depressed this summer again. Like I am sinking into this depression. Falling. Falling. Wondering when the pain will end? Will it always hurt around this time of year? Losing you hurts.  I wonder what you would have been like if you hadn’t died. I wonder what direction my life would have gone if you hadn’t died? I would probably still be living in Slovakia, you would be going to school/kindergarten there. That is probably what would have happened. I probably would never have gotten my driving licence nor written a book.

Your death enabled me to do those things. Did I ask for those things? No! I would have been happy if you had lived.

In sixteen days you will be 4 years old! I wonder what colour your hair would have been. I wonder what you would look like? I wonder what your smile would be like? I wonder what it would be like coming home after work and seeing you.. I wonder a lot of stuff… It is sad that I think about these things. But it is inevitable. These feelings come and go.

Yet lately I feel so helpless. Completely lost. No longer know what I am supposed to do to get through this. But God is with me I guess…

I simply miss you Sebastian. And wish that you could still be here.

With all my love
Mommy xxx

One thought on “A Letter to my Son

  1. Sebby will be looking over you protected by god ,and he will be proud of what you have achieved and who you are and you should be very proud of yourself,you have helped so many grieving parents .x

    Like

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