I find myself sitting in my room reflecting on what has happened over the last four years since your passing. I wonder what I have achieved. What I haven’t achieved. When I look back over my goals after your passing I see that I have crossed a few off the list.
- I managed to get a job relatively quickly after you died
- I managed to hold down a job after you died
- I managed to find an apartment in Bratislava
- I published a book
- I got my driver’s licence
- I am going to university again to study counselling
There were a lot more goals on that list that I haven’t accomplished yet. But then again, we can’t always achieve everything. I merely set those goals to have a focus to my life. To get through the difficult moments in life by keeping busy. That was a good strategy to have…
But I became depressed this summer again. Like I am sinking into this depression. Falling. Falling. Wondering when the pain will end? Will it always hurt around this time of year? Losing you hurts. I wonder what you would have been like if you hadn’t died. I wonder what direction my life would have gone if you hadn’t died? I would probably still be living in Slovakia, you would be going to school/kindergarten there. That is probably what would have happened. I probably would never have gotten my driving licence nor written a book.
Your death enabled me to do those things. Did I ask for those things? No! I would have been happy if you had lived.
In sixteen days you will be 4 years old! I wonder what colour your hair would have been. I wonder what you would look like? I wonder what your smile would be like? I wonder what it would be like coming home after work and seeing you.. I wonder a lot of stuff… It is sad that I think about these things. But it is inevitable. These feelings come and go.
Yet lately I feel so helpless. Completely lost. No longer know what I am supposed to do to get through this. But God is with me I guess…
I simply miss you Sebastian. And wish that you could still be here.
With all my love