It’s that time of year again
Where I ponder what could have been
All those years slowly merged into
A blur of downs and ups, ups and downs
I wonder what could have been
If you hadn’t died dear boy

The pain always seems to overwhelm me
Around this month September,
A reminder of what has and is to come,
A time of reflection, dreaming, wishful thinking
The conundrum of what ifs at the back of my mind

If only you hadn’t died
You would still be here
Watching the sunrise with me
Reading you bedtime stories
Going swimming
Walking the dogs
Doing what every mama gets to do
Loving their son

September a struggle, like a marathon
Emotions sagging within
An eruption of tears fall to the ground
Like a flood of waves
How I so desperately wanted to be
Your mama
September reminds me of all
I have lost

Time does not stand still
It evaporates into a
Treadmill of all
My failures and successes
Wrapped into a neat tidy package
In the middle where grief sits
I know God
I know you are safe with Jesus

But

I dream of you
I wonder what you look like
I wonder what you sound like
(Music to my ears no doubt)
I wonder about your little smile
Gentle and kind

Missing you
Loving you
From afar

It’s that time of year again
Where I ponder what could have been
All those years slowly merged into
A blur of downs and ups, ups and downs
I wonder what could have been
If you hadn’t died dear boy