Diary: Day 10 – A Walk on Water

Philippians 4.19 – And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

While one door closes, another opens with ample opportunities to grow on so many different levels. All the doors have closed for me in Dublin. A door has opened for me on the South West Coast of England.  The question that occurred to me yesterday was: do I take it? Do I go for the plunge despite the unknowns? Or do I run away and hide in fear? I decided to follow the door that is opening. So, I am headed there at the end of next week to start yet again a new chapter in my life. Apprehensive. Not understanding what God really wants of me anymore. Weary. Tired. Frustrated by all the changes in my life. And yet I am told embrace it. How do you embrace constant change? So, here I am yet again at the crossroads in life wondering the conundrum of what ifs. The story of my life. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if.What if.What if. Echoes loudly against my skull.

Will I miss Dublin? No, not really. I don’t actually know anyone here except two people. But instead of facing a dead-end I am facing a junction. Do I go right or left? What will happen when I take it? Is there really nothing for me here in the commercial hub of Dublin?  Have I failed somehow to embrace this challenge? Or have I failed to see where God wanted me to go in the first place? So many questions filter through my mind. I am not sure to be honest where I want to go. Never mind where God wants me to go. I feel like I am in this blind-alley, guessing along the way, pushing a door along the way to see if it will open.   My biggest question is whether I have made the right decision? Whether it was a wise choice from me? That remains to be seen.

How does one cope with so many different changes in life? So many different trials? How does one embrace one challenge after the next challenge?  And how does one know if the door that has been opened for them is the right door? Is the right way forward? Will this door that has opened lead me to becoming a qualified grief counsellor? A full-time writer? I think of a saying – what has become of me? Chasing dreams, chasing desires. Is God really real? What if he isn’t real? Then where am I left? I always come back to him, when I realise there is actually no way forward. The only way forward is with God.

I have a mixture of emotions inside of me this past week. Its been a roller coaster ride of endless uncertainties, the uncertainties still glaring me in the face. The unanswered questions that won’t be answered anytime soon.  Its like I have to climb this big mountain to prove to myself that I am worthy of God’s grace, of God’s love, God’s mercy. But I come back to the same vexed question: is God real? Is all of this worth pursuing when I no longer can see the way clearly? When I no longer know if I made the right decision? When I no longer know which way is forward and which way is backwards?

I have fear inside of me. Its natural to be fearful. Its natural to be fearful after so many changes in life, but when will I finally be able to settle? When will this walk on water become easier? When will I know if I have made the right decision? Will I only know this in years to come? I have no way of knowing. Except I am taking step by step. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. I no longer have the energy to figure things out – so I will place my struggles in the palm of God’s hand.

Why am I even writing this all down? For what benefit is this to anyone? I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want empathy. I want to know if the direction I am going to will be the right direction for me and whether it will be a step forward and not a step backwards. We will see.

Dear Lord – thank you for your provision. Help me to embrace this new chapter in my life. Amen. 

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