Diary: Day 8 – A Walk on Water

This song written by Sir Jules Riding has always given me great hope and comfort when the going gets tough. When I feel like I am sinking into a pit of despair.  The past week the dark blanket has coiled around me, and it feels like its getting tighter and tighter. But each time I listen to the song Safe in the Arms of Jesus I know that my ultimate safety is in Jesus. That God will protect me no matter what, and that he will sustain me.

It is funny how life can take us on a different course than we had originally hoped for. I had hoped that Dublin, Ireland would work out. It seems though that every door I have tried pushing open has slammed shut in my face. So what options do I have? I have applied for countless jobs. Of which none have responded to my pleas for a job, or have rejected my application, despite a good solid 10 years of work. Why is that I wonder?

Was it wise for me to quit a job with no other job prospects in front of me? Well, I don’t honestly know. But I am trusting God will open the door at the right time. It requires a little patience on my part. So, I am being patient, and trusting that God will open the door where there seems to be no way. Even if it means uprooting myself yet and moving again. Maybe I don’t belong to big city life. Actually, I no longer know where I belong.

Yesterday, I questioned if God is real – where is he? Does he really care about my needs? I am a sinner after all, saved by the grace of God. But does he care about my story? I have moments when I doubt. Yes. It’s hard to believe. But I have doubts. I question sometimes whether he is real. What if I am chasing something that isn’t real? Yet deep down in my heart I know that God is real, and that I can find my safety in him. That I can find my rest in him. That I can find my peace in him. That I can find comfort in him.

I am pursuing an option which isn’t based in Ireland. I have a mixture of hope and dread. Hope because I see how many potential doors it can open for me in the future. Dread and fear that I am not deserving of this opportunity. That God wouldn’t open that door for me.  But without hope where would we be?

I have been a social recluse the last week. Barely leaving the sanctuary of my room. Yesterday, was the first time I decided to leave my room. I went outside, feeling like I came out of a cave after hiding for ages. I went and sat in a local church in front of the cross and just laid out my struggles before him, asking God to give me the peace that I am desperately looking for.  Peace did come, even if it was short-lived. I came out of that church knowing that God is one step ahead of me, making the way clear for me. And for that I am truly very grateful.

I just don’t know how to embrace the next step in my life. I really don’t. I am totally emotionally wrung out, and feel like I have hit rock bottom. Almost like a mini-burnout somehow. I wonder if I will ever get through this? Will I get through this?

Dear Lord – thank you for the song that Jules Riding wrote. Thank you that we know our safety is in you. Help me to be at peace in your presence today. Help me to let go of my struggles. Amen.

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