Diary: Day 4 – A Walk on Water

James 4.7 – Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I had this spirit of oppression, spirit of depression over me, plaguing me like an unwanted cancer. Trying to suffocate the life out of me. Some days go better than other days. Some days I have more peace then others and I know that I can do all things through Christ who sustains me.

All day I had this feeling of being trapped, defeated, stuck.  I had this sense that I am not able to help others. That everything I want to accomplish with my life seems to be ever so slow. How I so dearly want another job, and not have to work as a customer service associate.  How I so dearly do not want to work for a co-operation, but work for God’s kingdom. I love working for God. The older I become the more I want to serve God, and the less I want to be associated with big global co-operations. So why then do I always seem to get a job in that area?  It is something I desperately want to avoid. I have to motivate myself to get up in the morning to go to that job. God will sustain me I am sure.

How do I fight this sense of deep failure within me? How do I fight this spirit of oppression within me? The spirit of oppression that doesn’t want me to achieve anything. How do I fight the spirit of depression that haunts me by day and night? I prayed yesterday as I walked around the neighbourhood, asking God to come help me, to lift this spirit of despair from deep within my soul. I asked God to guide me. To give me renewed strength. I praised his name despite these unwanted circumstances.I read a psalm out loud to confront LIGHT with DARKNESS. I dearly hope that God will answer my prayers, and that this challenging time will pass, that I will be able to turn my eyes to him and believe that he will release me. That he will free me from being trapped.

I know what I want to do for God, but its the obstacle course that seems impossible to climb. How do I get past the endless obstacles before I reach my goal? I don’t know. I can’t see past my own hands at the moment. Trust is all I can do. Trust blindly and believe that he will see you through this time.

Today, I start my new job. Today I have a sense of defeat in me, but I will rise above that, and I will trust that all things will work together for the glory of God’s kingdom. I trust that God will lead me on. That this is just a temporary phase before great things will happen. Maybe the enemy is trying to attack me because he knows good things will happen? Who knows…. Trust the Lord Hannah. There is nothing else you can do. Please pray with me.

What if it doesn’t work? All the previous times I started a new job I always found it hard to make new friends, to socialise. It is like wherever I go that I am a social outcast. I am invisible. Unseen. What if it doesn’t work? And the job leads to feeling trapped and defeated again with no way out? Then where will my life be then? What if it doesn’t work out? I am afraid of a repeat. I am afraid that people won’t like me. I am afraid that I won’t be noticed again. I am afraid sometimes that God has forgotten me. Afraid. Defeated. Trapped.

Lord I submit all my struggles to you. I resist all the wiles of the enemy in Jesus name! Spirit of Oppression I bind you in Jesus name and command you to leave my mind and body right now, you have NO AUTHORITY over me. I am a Blood bought daughter of Jesus Christ redeemed by the Blood of the Lamb. Lord you know I cannot do this alone. Help me at every step and bring me to joy here. Amen.

 

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