Diary: Day 2 – A Walk on Water

Psalm 46.1 – Be still and know that I am God.

Moving to a new country can sometimes be one of the most challenging things a person can do. It takes courage. I go where God leads me on. Just because I am a Christian does not mean I am immune to the roller-coaster of emotions that come along with any move.  I remember when I was young, I was able to embrace my circumstances more quickly.  Even ten years ago when I moved to Cardiff I saw it as one big adventure.  The opening to my life. The world was my oyster. I was young and naive, then. Now ten years later I have experiences that have shaped me to be the woman I am now.

Early on in the piece I didn’t have a deep personal relationship with God. I always thought that God was some distant entity, but through the experiences he put me through I have come to realise he is real, and that he never leaves me or forsakes me. That he always remains the same whether we like it or not. So, knowing that I will put my trust in God no matter what the circumstances are. No matter what is happening in the chaos of my world.  God has got me here for a reason. He opened the door in Dublin for a reason. So, its either embracing it, or running away in fear. Often when I speak in front of people in Sunday morning church, or at women’s groups or prisons, I tell the people the past does not need to define who you are.  That you can shape your life around the past and turn it into something beautiful. Today, I am focused on today. I cannot be focused on yesterday or tomorrow. I can only learn from my experiences of yesterday.

I feel better today. I woke up feeling a lot more peaceful then I did yesterday. But it’s still hard. I am a person who has battled depression on and off since I was a teenager. Since my parents divorce. I am also a person who allows anxiety sometimes to have the upper reign in my life, which isn’t healthy. Not healthy at all. But the thing is ever since I left my ex-husband, ever since my son died, I have been plagued with this ridiculous anxiety and fear. I have spoken to other women who have lost children and they say they have the same anxious thoughts, the same fear for any new or uncertain situation they are in. I guess this is because a baby died in our body, and we didn’t know about it. We didn’t have control over that.  But I know I have to give that struggle over to God. I know I cannot let anxiety become who I am.  So, I release that to God. I will not keep it.

Life isn’t easy. It hasn’t been easy for me. But I know that God is watching over me, and that he is my comforter and is looking after my needs.  That is the assurance I have this morning. So in him I place my trust.

Dear Lord – please guide me every step of the way. Please Lord show me the way forward, even when I don’t know where you are leading me, in you I will put my trust. Close the doors that you want to be closed, open the doors you want opened. Help me to establish the desires of my heart. Help me to find peace here in Ireland. Help to be in peace in your presence. Help me to seek your will. Amen. 

 

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