James 1.2-4 ~ Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because  you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Everything seems to have imploded in the last couple of days.  Disintegrating before my eyes. The plans that were set in place. I stand and look out my window and wonder where will all of this lead me? My muscles feel like rubber. I feel wobbly. I stare, and wonder if God really is real? And if He is real… where is he?  Why is he allowing all this to happen? Why can it not be an easy transition? Why does it have to be marred with complexity?

I walk on water, it seems. Blindly. Unable to see or feel where God is leading me. Except for this big mess. I feel despondent. Afraid of the future. I don’t know how to embrace this – what is staring me in the face. I don’t know how to embrace it as an adventure. I have failed. I feel like I have nowhere to turn? I feel like God has abandoned me. I feel like he is playing some cruel joke on my life at the moment.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what direction to face. I don’t know where God wants me to go. I no longer know what is my purpose? I have lost meaning of my life. I have lost purpose in my life. No-one is telling me what I have to do, to get everything done. I feel like I have been thrown in the deep end. Do it yourself. I am not strong. I don’t have the energy to do this. I don’t have the motivation to keep looking. I feel totally discouraged. Fed-up. Exhausted.

What will I do? Is this really a walk on water? Is he really testing me till I collapse? How much more of this before there is a breakthrough? How much more Lord? I have prayed and prayed and prayed for months to avoid all of this…. and here I am in the middle of it. In the deep end. And I don’t know how to walk forward anymore. I feel trapped and defeated. And I am only at the beginning.

What now? How do I move forward?