Waiting and patience seems to be the words that you tell me to do on a daily basis. It is not easy. But today I surrender you my struggles. Today I surrender you my job search. Today I wait expectantly for you to answer my prayers like the deer waits expectantly for me. Today I surrender you my angst. Today I surrender you my fear. Today I surrender you my anxiety. Today I surrender you my turmoil. Help me Lord to be at peace I pray.
I am reminded on a daily basis that I need to be thankful for what I have, that I need to continue to lift up your name whether I am going through a dark valley or an uplifting period..
Overall, the last few months have been uplifting, but with July looming in the distance I feel the pressure mounting on me. I feel like the task before me is unconquerable. I just see this big ugly black mountain looming in the distance. I know in my heart of hearts that I have to trust you, that I have to place my self into your hands knowing that you will provide for me, that you will look after me. As a human I think is it really possible?
Will you really meet my needs? Will you really provide me with a good job with a good company. Something that I will enjoy doing? Or will I end up feeling trapped again like I did when I lived in two undisclosed locations? Will I make progress in my career path?
Did you really call me to Dublin? Or was that just another random after thought. Oh, I’ll just try Dublin and see what it brings me. Or did I really get that confirmation last week, that it will be possible to work here, and to minister alongside some very special people who experienced similar grief as I have? Or was that just my imagination as well? I know I have to trust. I know I have to keep asking. I have asked for months now, and I feel like I have made very little progress.
Then again it isn’t about me. It is about you. I should lift up your name high. I shouldn’t fall into the trap of self-pity. I shouldn’t fall into discouragements arms which seems so easy to do. I shouldn’t feel daunted, because I know that I have you God by my side. And with you everything is possible. So, why do I try so hard to do everything in my own strength? Why do I try so hard to look for a job that actually doesn’t suit my personality. Where do I begin with looking for a job that would suit my personality? Where do I go? Where do I go from here? What do I do God?
I seek your face, I pray, I cry, I am lost, and I am confused. I just want all things to work out for the glory of Your kingdom. And not my kingdom. I want that your will will be done, and not my will. I want to work for you. But what is the right job? I am twenty-seven years old and I no longer know what the right job for me is. I used to know. But that seems to have disappeared to. The knowledge of knowing what would make me happy.
I know that I want to study grief counselling one day soon as an evening course so that one day I can become a specialist grief counsellor and help people who are going through the grief cycle. But how do I go from A to B? How do I go from feeling trapped to feeling like I am doing something meaningful with my life? How can I when I don’t know the way anymore. When I feel lost and totally confused.
Lord, please help me to find peace again. Please help me to know where you want me to go next. Please show me the way. Please help me Lord I pray. Please Lord help me to find a job in your time and not my time. Help me to trust you once more. Help me to seek your will instead of feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. Help me to place my trust in you, like those deer trusted me yesterday to feed them. I need to trust you. I need to proclaim that you are Lord of Lords, the King of my life. Help me Lord I pray. Help me to find the right job.
I wait expectantly for your answer and I seek to trust you once more. You are in control of my life. Not I of my own life. I surrender this whole job search into your hands. I cannot do it on my own anymore. Help me Lord I pray.
From your daughter