Lost

How many of you have been lost? I mean literally lost. Lost simply because you no longer know where God wants to lead you, take you. Lost because there is no clarity in your life? Lost because you are totally isolated and don’t know if people really are there for you, and if people really do care for you? Lost because you are isolated. Lost in a thick maze of problems. Lost because you lost yourself. Lost the person that God wants you to be.

Berlin, almost six months ago now when I moved here and truly believed that I could have one great big adventure in Berlin…. That I could make a difference. That I could have an impact.  But instead I ended up losing myself somewhere along the way. Losing my personality. Drowning in isolation. Drowning in a quagmire of mushy questions that never seem to end. That just seem to be there staring at me. I question my moments of sanity. I question moments – did I lose God? Or did God lose me? I feel lost in this big vast city. Oppressed almost too. Lost because I don’t have that same connection with God. Lost because I don’t know what job I want to do, and what I am good at. Lost between the negative tentacles of insecurities that plague my soul. Lost because I don’t even know who I am anymore. Lost because I don’t even know what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Lost identity. I feel lost.

So, here I am six months further down the line. None the wiser than I was six months previously. Still grappling with my situation. I have come to resist this norm to a certain extent. I miss having connections, I miss having friends. And friends these days seem too busy to write, or to see how things are, which has made it even harder to exist in such a huge city. You would have thought that finding at least one friend in this huge city like Berlin would be possible, but it seems like its next to impossible.

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know where I will go next. But I know that God is in control of my life. Even if I am lost and broken. God is my saviour and I will place my trust in him. Or try to at least.

How many of you have felt like you lost yourself somewhere along the way? How do you find yourself again?  How can you believe that people care for you, when everything and everyone seems so distant, because the isolation has made you believe that no-one cares for you. That this is some kind of punishment.  How can I believe that there are people out there who do care for me when I can’t find myself anymore, when I feel like I am alone and being rejected over and over and over again? How can i find myself in that stillness, in that quiet place where God meets you and gives you his all?

Who am I? What am I? Where next? What is my purpose I wonder. I am a lost little girl in dire need of guidance, and answers of what my future will hold. I am tired of not knowing. I want to know. I want to move on. But I lost myself somewhere around August, when I came to this great big vast city, and lost my identity when I got scammed, when the job turned out not to be quite what it was supposed to be.

Sometimes I wish I could have a hug – so that I know that I am still real. So that I know that I am cared for. That I am loved. Yes loved. That I still exist. So that I know who I am in God’s identity. But I feel like I am invisible. Lost. Transparent. A ghost. Hidden. Falling. Drowning. Reflected. No longer really here. Just existing. Just breathing. Just surviving. Just going with the motions rather than living.   That is who I have become. A skeleton of my former self.

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