Today I feel this:
Hurting. Depression. Sadness. Grief. Pain. Anguish. Despair. Confusion. Loneliness. Fatigue. Where are you Lord? Why don’t you hear me? My cries of deep heartache? Why can’t you see the despair on my face? I don’t get life anymore. I don’t understand it. I feel angry and upset today. I feel trapped in this endless cycle of pain, and fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I feel upset that you took my son away all those years ago to heaven, and that there was no miracle that day. And yet you were there with me in that room. Why couldn’t you let my son live? Why did he have to die? What did I do wrong that he had to leave this earth?
I feel disappointed. I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel upset. Upset because I lost my son. Upset because I had expectations this year, only these expectations didn’t last. And I trusted you. I know you have a perfect plan for me. A perfect plan that seems so far away. But what is your plan for me? Everyone seems to be against me, and every expectation I had seems to have gone with the snow clouds. Why God are things harder for some people than others? Why do some people go through more trials than others? Lately, I am not sure what I am supposed to do. What do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go?
You used to speak to my heart, but now I just hear this silence. This loud ringing silence. I did your will earlier this year. I did everything you wanted me to do. But now I hear nothing. Speak to my heart Father, please I pray. Take away the pain. Heal me please. Comfort me please. I seek your presence daily and yet I hear nothing. I read, I pray, I worship you, and yet you give me this silence.
And all I want to do now is crawl into a hole and cry, and cry, and cry, because everything hurts so much, because I no longer know what you want me to do. I feel let down. I feel like I am losing a winning battle. A tug of war. I just don’t understand the things that have happened, or why I feel like I am wondering from one trial to the next when we have such a close relationship or so I thought.
Oh, Father how I wish you could come back and just show me your love, show me your grace your compassion, your comfort. I need it so much. I feel desperately alone here, and I don’t want to fight these things on my own anymore. I am so confused about my future, about what the future holds of me. Can you not reveal yourself to me? Show me where you will lead me? Show me what will happen so I am not left to wonder day in day out, not knowing where you are leading me. I feel so helpless.
I need your love Father. I need you to fill me up with your love. To help me to see a way out of this tunnel back into the light. To show me what you have planned for me, so that I don’t have to keep wondering in the silence of the night, wondering what will happen with my life. Help me please I pray.
Father guide me. Comfort me. I pray. I surrender myself to you. I trust you and seek you. Show me the way forward. Amen