Reflecting Reflections

As I approach the last week of my career in the company I am at, I am wondering if I could have tackled my time here in a different fashion. Who knows? I feel somewhat disappointed in myself that the collaboration between the Benelux team at work didn’t go better.  I have always felt inferior to them.  Maybe I have an inferiority complex. Maybe I am oversensitive. But hindsight tells me differently.  It is the way they spoke down to me, treated me, that made me realize actually it is not me that is the problem. They just don’t know how to work with other females in what is seen as a man-dominated work society.

The sad thing I found is that people in the company wanted to make complaints where it wasn’t even necessary.  They could have helped to make life easier, nicer, and more fun. But instead, I have noticed that society seems to strive more on complaining than extending grace.   People were quick to complain but were slow to extend grace and kindness towards each other.  It is not the kind of environment I want to work in again.  A hostile environment.  If the Lord does put me back into a corporation, I pray that the experience will be better. 

I have tried countless of times to be a ‘fun’ team member.  Then again, I have to look back at my circumstances.  When I first started working here, I was at the start of my grieving journey.  I was a grieving mum.  I am a mum, and am still a mum, even though my grief isn’t as intense.  In the beginning I found it hard to mingle in with the people. I needed time to myself, space to grieve.  I am thankful that the Lord gave me a job, something to keep me busy with the last two and a half years. But also grateful, that this part of my chapter is now over, and I can move forward.

On the other-hand I cannot complain.  Because I did have a job, and God gave me the strength to work, and to extend grace to my colleagues.  I pray that I may have impacted them in a small way. I know for some they’ll probably be relieved to see me go, and for others they’ll miss having me around.  Though as life goes, seasons change. And my season has changed for some new endeavors.

I have accomplished a fair amount since the passing of my precious son.  I managed to find a place to live, I lost weight, and I kept a job down for the best part of two and a half years. I learned how to drive, I managed to publish my book.  But most of all I learned how to SMILE again and how to LAUGH. And I tell you to laugh feels so very refreshing.  There was a time when I thought that I would never be able to smile and laugh again. Yet I am smiling and laughing again.  Praise the Lord!  I accomplished all the goals I set out for myself.  OK, it took longer than I wanted it to take, but I did it. 

Now, I crave for new adventures, new friendships, a new season is awaiting me.  Hope is at my door, and I am ready to grasp it with all of the strength that God has given me.  I am learning to live life again.  The season of grief is coming to an end.  Of course, I still have periods where I feel like I am sinking into the deep dark sands of grief, but I also know that the grief doesn’t last and that there are happy days waiting for me behind that door.

As I was reflecting this morning, I do not feel like a failure anymore, but someone that has achieved a lot in the face of adversity.  Someone who has been able to turn tragedy into something beautiful, so that others can be impacted by it, and Lord willing learn something from the resilience that we as humans do have.  We just have to search for it among the debris in our life, and in the deep inner parts of our-self.  It comes from God, He gives us strength so that we can move forward. So that we can move and learn to let go. 

The final stage of healing, is when you are ready to extend help to others and are ready to let go of what could have been and embrace the future that God has in store for you. Am I ready to help others? Am I ready to go forth and share with the world the tragedy that befell my world and then how I overcame it?

Resilience. Faith. Trust. Belief. Strength. Love. Grace. Kindness. Peace.  Are some of the words that showed me the way forward?  Courage helped me to move forward.  The fact that I didn’t want to stay stuck in grief was a big plus in my life, and gave me the courage and strength to stumble with each step forward.  But move I did. And I am slowly reaching my potential by the grace of God.

About 9 months ago I wrote a blog post entitled What is my Purpose God? I may not know my purpose currently, but I know without a doubt that I am following his lead for my life.  Lord willing I will be a blessing to others, and they in return will be a blessing to me (without a doubt).  I have always known that it is better to give to others than to receive.  So, as I approach the next stage of my life, I want to give more, focus less on myself, and be an encourager. I want to live a simpler life.  The Lord is my God, and I love to be in his presence.  This I know. And this I want to give to others, to show them that the Lord is my lighthouse. The giver of life, a compassionate God who has forgiven me countless times.  And shown me the way and has never given up one.

I pray that each one of you will be blessed and that you may know the Lord’s will for your life. God bless.

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