The anxiety. If you only knew what it was like to live with this daily anxiety that binds you. That chains you emotionally as if you are hanging off a cliff. Ready to jump. I hate it. It paralyses me. It numbs the rational thoughts inside of my head. It numbs everything. And all I can do is cling on as best as I can to the cross, hoping that Jesus will cleanse me from the inside out. Hoping that Jesus can heal me from these emotional wounds/scars.
After Sebastian died. The anxiety increased ten-fold. The panic. The fear that I live with. As if I am just trapped in a cage with sharks trying to wrestle my way out. I don’t know how to explain it. But ever since his death, fear has played a daily role in my life. I am almost afraid to admit it. But its there. A constant nagging feeling. Ready to explode sometimes. I am so afraid to lose other people that are really close to me. If its happened once before it can happen again. If it has happened three times. It can happen again. How do you overcome that fear? That constant doom as if something bad is about to happen. How do you release yourself from these emotional wounds? How do you overcome the panic?
It feels like my world is falling apart, when the anxiety plays. I can’t think clearly then. It is as if my body becomes numb and I have to learn to breathe. Learn to relax. Learn techniques to help my body relax. But lately I haven’t been able to do anything to motivate myself. I stopped doing things I enjoy doing. I stopped cooking. I stopped baking. I stopped socialising. But mostly I just stopped caring about my appearance, about how I look. Because when anxiety is at the forefront it just freezes me up and I cant do anything. I am frozen. Paralysed. Trapped in my own mind. I want to escape from it. I hate how it sometimes rules my life. I hate how it sometimes wins.
Sometimes the anxiety is so strong, the devil taunting me, that I feel like no-one knows what I am going through. I feel that no-one understands my pain. The things that plague me. I feel then like the whole world is against me. That I am somehow a failure. That I can’t be normal. That I cant function like a normal human being. On days like that – I just need extra reassurance from the people around me that I am not alone. That I am cared for. That I am loved. That I am not a nobody but a somebody. That it is ok to feel the way I do, and that I can overcome it with lots of prayer and love. But I am alone in all of this.
If only you understood what it was like to be trapped in a state of anxiety. It numbs your rational thoughts. It numbs everything around you. It haunts you. It haunts you. The fear comes in and then you start wondering about all the endless permutations of possibilities. Maybe if my son had not died, I would not be dealing with this anxiety. But he died. And yes I have accepted that. I also know that I am not the only one going through this constant battle with anxiety. That other women who have lost babies in the womb experience anxiety to some sort of degree. Its as if we are bounded by fear. But this is my reality and I hate it. And I no longer want it to rule my life.
Every day I lay it all before God. Hoping that he will take away the pain inside of me. That he will understand this pain inside of me. That he will heal me. That he will cleanse me from the inside out. That I will be healed in the name of Jesus from this. This is all I want. To be healed from the pain, from my insecurities, from my anxieties. I don’t want to live in constant fear anymore. Please pray for me.