psalm 94.18-19 – when I said, ‘my foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.
I don’t know how to write today. This is written trying to make sense of the anxiety that sometimes plagues me. That sometimes haunts me and numbs me. That paralyses me to the spot in a state of fear. If only you understood what it was like to live with this constant anxiety. I know the bible says to cast all our cares onto the cross and to unburden ourselves and he will give us rest. Believe me you I do this constantly. I have to do it hour by hour on certain days because the devil has a way to weave the anxiety back into my life. For a long time I was at a place of relative peace, and was restful, but it had to rear its ugly head again. And I am trying to learn to be at peace. Trying to make sense of everything. When anxiety occurs it kind of feels like my world is falling apart when in reality it isn’t. I don’t know how else to explain it…
There is a war in my heart
where battles rage
against fire and water
satan lies demolish us
we are dust.
Life crosses
as anxiety holds my hand
and laughs at me
taunts at me
giving me discomfort.
Making me feel
ridiculed.
A failure somehow.
There is a war in my heart
where battles plague
my mind and soul
hurling across like a tsunami
chest constricting, chest aching
the pain that keeps me awake
paralysed to the ground
numbing every rationality.
There is a war in my heart
where pain and love exists
bullets fly against the enemy
evil paroxysm cuts
my soul
chains me
depletes me of energy
haunts me till I am stuck
in a forgotten past
where memories come and go
and remind me
that death occurred not once
not twice but three times
in my womb.
Afraid to lose
again
the people
I care about
the most.
Trapped and silent.
Lonely and crowded.
A failure somehow.
Silent to this world
of deep unrest
I withdraw myself
into a shell
till light will
reappear in my
life once more
Help me please
to be at peace.
butterfliesreleased 