A War in My Heart

psalm 94.18-19 – when I said, ‘my foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

I don’t know how to write today.  This is written trying to make sense of the anxiety that sometimes plagues me.  That sometimes haunts me and numbs me.  That paralyses me to the spot in a state of fear.  If only you understood what it was like to live with this constant anxiety.  I know the bible says to cast all our cares onto the cross and to unburden ourselves and he will give us rest.  Believe me you I do this constantly.  I have to do it hour by hour on certain days because the devil has a way to weave the anxiety back into my life.  For a long time I was at a place of relative peace, and was restful, but it had to rear its ugly head again.  And I am trying to learn to be at peace.  Trying to make sense of everything.  When anxiety occurs it kind of feels like my world is falling apart when in reality it isn’t.  I don’t know how else to explain it…

There is a war in my heart

where battles rage

against fire and water

satan lies demolish us

we are dust.

 

Life crosses

as anxiety holds my hand

and laughs at me

taunts at me

giving me discomfort.

Making me feel

ridiculed.

A failure somehow.

 

There is a war in my heart

where battles plague

my mind and soul

hurling across like a tsunami

chest constricting, chest aching

the pain that keeps me awake

paralysed to the ground

numbing every rationality.

 

There is a war in my heart

where pain and love exists

bullets fly against the enemy

evil paroxysm cuts

my soul

chains me

depletes me of energy

haunts me till I am stuck

in a forgotten past

where memories come and go

and remind me

that death occurred not once

not twice but three times

in my womb.

 

Afraid to lose

again

the people

I care about

the most.

 

Trapped and silent.

Lonely and crowded.

A failure somehow.

 

Silent to this world

of deep unrest

I withdraw myself

into a shell

till light will

reappear in my

life once more

Help me please

to be at peace.

 

 

 

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