My Sadness

It is now the marathon before Sebastian’s 2nd birthday.  My birthday is coming up, then my son’s.  My life changed forever two years ago, and I am not sure how much more I can take.

Death always seems to be an easy option at this current stage.  The thing that hurts me the most is not being able to watch my son grow up.  I remember how two years ago, how I wished that I had died instead of my son.  But for some bizarre reason God wanted me to live, and my son had to die.  But for what purpose?

And now? What am I doing with my life?  What is Hannah doing in her life?  How can I be useful to others when I can’t even help myself?  Help the people closest to me?  I am incapable of doing anything right.  I am on a downward spiral and well quite frankly I don’t care anymore whether I come through this or not.  I know I need to cling onto God, onto the cross.  But what is the point when other people that are important to me are giving up?

I have no energy.  I have no motivation.  I have no desires anymore.  Hannah never learns.  I should never have opened my heart.  I should have kept my heart firmly shut so that I don’t get hurt.  I should have kept my heart firmly shut to the word ‘love’.  I loved my son.  I took a risk but he had to die.  I don’t want to lose anything more that is important to me.  Why don’t I ever learn? I am a broken woman.

I am fighting to have peace.  But where can I get this peace?  I know that only God can provide me with that peace.  And I hope that I will receive his peace again soon.  I am scared shitless (excuse my bad language – but right now I don’t care).  I am scared shitless of losing everything that is dear to me.  It makes me emotional, it makes me weepy.  It fills me up with angst.  For so long I was closed to taking risks, then you take a risk and now you are at a point in life where you may or may not lose everything once more.  I need to find peace.  I need that inner balance that I once had.  But how do I get that?  When I feel like I am fighting the battles on my own?  That no matter what I do, it will never be enough.  That’s right because my love can never be enough.  Only God’s love can be enough for us..  But we can strive to live better for the glory of God’s kingdom.

We can make a choice.  We can choose to wallow in our self-pity, or we can choose to rise above our self-pity and learn to lean on God’s strength, and believe that the darkness will lift.  We can choose not to let the problems drown us, but we can choose to learn from them and work through it.  We can choose to share and support each other, and remind each other of God’s love for us, and that even though everything may seem so hopeless right now, there is hope.  We will reach the edge of our wilderness and come through this somehow.

I think there is a purpose for each of us on this earth no matter how long or short we have.  God is trying to teach us lessons. And for some it takes much longer.  How I wish I could take everyone’s pain away and put it on my shoulders, so that they can carry on living.  So that they can carry on serving.  But I am not superwoman.  I also have my own issues that I am trying to work through.  That I am trying to overcome – somehow.  Somewhere. God is our refuge.  He is our shield.  He bounds up our wounds and he heals us.  He is with us every step of the way.

So why not just face the situation with joy rather than with deep sadness?  Why not just focus on God’s word, and on the people that encourage you with words of scripture, and by just being there and listening to you.  I want to be more selfless…. I want to be more helpful.  I am not sure I can though.  I am a broken woman.

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