A lot of this is probably just gibberish. I am just trying to make sense of what is happening in my world. Largely the fact that i am not sure how to cope with long silences. For a long time i was able to but lately not anymore. I struggle…. So its just random flow of thought put together.
A silent time, on the face of it like there is no hope left in this world. As if no-one seems to notice anymore, as if no-one seems to realize the gift of free love. God lives in us. We are meant to love others as ourselves, because God loves us.
With my own world falling apart slowly before me, I can choose between going into the light or going into the darkness and see where that takes me. Which is your pick? I would much prefer to take the path of light because there is hope, but in the darkness there is no light and then you are consumed with all this negativity and pain and bitterness. Is that what you want for your life?
I feel in the last month and a half like there is just this big silence in my life. No-one really talks to me. No-one really notices me… and then I just withdraw myself from society. Sometimes I think it is easier just to disappear into the stillness of the night. Who would miss you anyways? From what I can see in the last month or so – no-one would miss me. Everyone is too busy to notice this broken misfit. Maybe if I just leave it will make everyone’s lives a lot easier. They would just have to forget about me as if I was never there.
I am afraid of loneliness. I am afraid of silence. I am afraid that in the silence everything will be forgotten. That I will be forgotten. But I am already forgotten. I am a misfit. I feel like I have lost hope for my future. I feel like I am sinking into the thick slush of slimy marshland. I feel like I am just sinking into this deep pit of negative emotions, and no-one seems to be able to reach me, take me out, because everyone is too wrapped up in their own world of disputes.
Why do humans make it so difficult? We could make life easier… We could cling onto God and trust that he will carry us through, but often times we just try and rely on our own strength. When will we learn?
In 8 weeks it will be Sebby’s birthday. He would have been two. After he died, I fell into a world of silence. Plagued by nightmares. Plagued by nightmares. All the feelings from the past are bubbling back up to the surface. Guilt that I wasn’t able to keep him safe. Guilt. And more guilt. Anguish and more heartbreak. Everyone else around me seems to be blessed with a whanau. But not me. Oh no.
During my pregnancy with my son, I was getting a divorce to my abusive husband. I was glad to get away from him, I had so much hope. I was looking towards the future with a light skip to my gait. Was it stress that killed my little boy? Or was it just by some weird unfortunate circumstances that he had to die? When Sebby died, I lived largely in silence. I withdrew myself into a little cave. And that was the best, I didn’t care at that point what people thought of me… then slowly I started walking into the light, my emotional wellbeing started improving. I started having friends, and I started to have hope again because the sadness was lifting. I was at peace and I felt like I was at the edge of the wilderness. But I was thrown back into the wilderness and now I have to fight all the demons again.
Demons of rejection, abandonment. Oh why did Hannah take a risk? And now silence has befallen my world, and I absolutely hate the silence. I feel like it is all my fault. That I have somehow done something wrong. The days lag slowly behind as my mind races a hundred miles per hour, wondering what will happen. I have to constantly remind myself ‘Simply trust God Hannah.’
I am a broken woman. I kind of feel like I am a glass that has shattered and that is somehow loosely stuck together, and moving forward seems to be painfully slow as each wedge of glass sinks into my soul, piercing me, reminding me of the silence that befell my world. Reminding me that I have entered into a winter season once more. I just want to leave this winter season behind and walk into spring. I seemed to have skipped summer and autumn somehow and went straight into winter. Winter with its harsh conditions as I battle against the snow storms of life, and learn to believe that this season will pass, that this pain inside of my heart will pass. That the loneliness will pass too. That someday I will be appreciated once more, that someday love will cascade onto my shattering glassed body. God’s love is sufficient. But I have so many wounds that it will take forever to bind up my broken wounds, and heal from all the pain that I have suffered.
Maybe silence is best as I battle the torment that has befallen my world. Maybe in the silence I will hear God’s voice, and know what I am supposed to do with my future. Maybe in the silence hope will filter in once more? Maybe I should just pack up and leave everything behind… and go where the wind takes me. Maybe I should not have opened up my heart to risk. Maybe I should have closed it firmly shut. Maybe I don’t deserve to be loved. Maybe I will always live in isolation and maybe I will always go through the storms of life. But God what is it that you want me to do? I no longer know… I feel like I am shutting down again, struggling to keep my head above water, as I sink further and further into the grim slush that has befallen my world.
Maybe silence is best. Maybe. Who knows. In the stillness of the night I will walk and try and gain perspective on what the Lord has planned for me. But for now I live in a silent time, an uncertain time. What will happen in the future? What will happen? Where will this road leave me? Will God make a way where there seems to be no way? Oh, I hope so!
My heart hurts for you, Hannah. I do not know you, and I have no children of my own yet, but I am drawn to compassion reading your blog. God loves you and he loves your son more than anyone on earth ever could. So even when you don’t have all the answers, just know that God still has a purpose for your life even if you have to go through storms to get there.
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Thanks Katelyn for your kind comment. It has been an encouragement to me in what has been lately a very trying time. God Bless you.
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