A Nobody

This probably sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself.  Probably I am.  I don’t really care to tell you the truth.  I just feel at this current moment like the whole world is against me, and by writing it – it will get off my chest, and I will start to feel better again. So forgive me Father for having a self-pity party.  For having a break-down.  But where are you when I need you?  I don’t feel you.  I feel like I am facing an uphill battle.  I feel like people don’t notice me.  Invisible.

Drops and drops and drops of water streams down my face.  Weeping.  Helpless.  Messed up.  F*cked up (excuse my language).   I just feel like absolute CRAP. I just feel like I am drowning into this bottomless pit of despair.  I feel like a no-body.  I feel like I am not worthy.  I feel so extremely frustrated with life.  Just a month ago I was a ‘somebody’.  A month later a ‘no-body’.  Feelings of inadequacy.  Why can’t people accept at face value that when I give them my mobile phone to borrow that it works, and that they do not need to check if it is properly set up?

A noiseless storm of rage is rising up inside of my veins.  A painfulness that somehow I am just a ‘no-body’.  Lacking in being able to sort things out.  Is Hannah really capable of looking after others?  Being a blessing to others, when people see her, they just look at her and make her feel inadequate, incapable of being useful to anyone.  And so the inaudible noise leaves her body, as the tears stream into the river of incapability.    Forlorn. Hopeless. Despondent.  Miserable. Sad.  In a pitiful state. My life is in shambles.  A mask is drawn over my face and to the outside world Hannah looks OK.   Hannah is OK.

Hannah is strong.  Oh no Hannah shouldn’t break down.  Hannah shouldn’t be weak.  Hannah needs to be strong.  Hannah cannot break down.  Because when Hannah does, people just tell her to get over it, and move on.  In her moments of weaknesses where is everyone?  Why can’t people hear my pain?  See my pain?  What about my needs? Oh wait a minute, my needs are at the bottom of the priority list.  Only when the weather pattern shifts will I be remembered.  Only when I am in a happy place will I be remembered, will people remember me.  But when I am drowning, I am forgotten.  I am just a no-body.  And my needs go unmet.

Oh my Sebby, I wish you understood my pain. I wish you were still here.  I wish I could have been your mom.  I wish I could have loved you, I wish for your tiny child hands around my neck, as you look up to me.  But you’re not here, and I have to battle my own battles.  I am alone – like I have always been.

What is happening to this world?  We are living in a broken world.  In a world full of sin and brokenness and the Lord does not hear my anguished cry in the lion’s den.  I feel like I am fighting this battle alone.  Running around like a headless chicken.   Trying to live a righteous life, when my own life is going down the drain.  I have no energy left.  I have no will.  I have no motivation.  I am just a broken vessel in this dry and parched land. And all I want is the love of God to surround me, and give me endless peace and joy.

Oh God, where are you when I need you?  Help me please.  Do not forsake me please.  Help me to feel your presence please Lord. 

I am actually feeling a bit yuck today.  Nauseous.  Dizzy.   I just want to sleep.  I just don’t want to be judged by people.  I don’t mind constructive feedback.  But I hate it when people criticize me in a rather negative fashion and make me feel like I am inadequate.  Like I am just a forgotten no-body.  Like I am at the bottom of their priority list.  I hate it feeling like everything in this life is all my fault.  I hate being pushed away.  I hate how people just come and go, and walk all over me as if I am some silly doormat laying at the front door where they can rub their feet on my back, and walk all over me and walk out the door as if I was never there.

How I wish that things could be different.  How I wish that things could be a lot simpler.  How I wish that my best friend could talk to me again.  How I wish that I could feel God’s love engulf me.  How I wish that these headaches would go away, that rob me of my sleep, and blind me during the day.  How I wish I was capable of coping with my angst, with the invasion of unwanted negative emotions.  I am simply Hannah.  Simply trying my best.  Can’t you just appreciate the person I am?  I have my own needs too.  I also need support sometimes.  I also need to feel loved sometimes.  I also need to be reminded sometimes of being important, of being special.  But in this world of complete brokenness I am somehow a no-body. Insignificant and eventually will be forgotten as time moves away into autumn.

I just feel broken today.  Shattered.  Overwhelmed.  Drowning in this pit.  Not knowing what my purpose in this life is no-more.  Just existing. Just breathing, just battling on against the storms of life.  Just clinging onto the cross.  Just hoping that this hopelessness feeling will leave my body, and that hope will make its dwelling in my life once more.  Rejected.  Abandoned. Insignificant.  Unloved.

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