Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior, are children born in one’s youth.
So, it is Sunday 8th May 2016. Mother’s day. Mom’s day. Mama’s day. Ma’s day. A day where the majority of the world comes together to celebrate mother’s. Mother’s with living children get celebrated. Mother’s who have died, where children sit by their mother’s tomb and lay flowers on the grave. Then there are mothers whose children have died. Who go to the cemetery or somewhere to seek solitude – where they can feel their children’s presence.
I have nothing. My womb was filled three times with children, but none stayed to breath on earth. They all filed out one by one to sit at the feet of God. Of course i feel the pain of not being able to have my children here. But for me mother’s day is like any other day. Yes, we need to honour our mothers and fathers, but is it really necessary to have a day where it’s sole purpose is to focus on mothers who have living children. Live breathing children. Its a day to show appreciation. But it is also a sad day for those who are not able to hold their children close to their bosom. I will be glad when the day is over today.
A few days ago, i said when the day arrives i will not allow for bitterness to take root in my heart, but that i will just go with the flow. That if i do cry, i will cry, if i smile, i will smile, if i laugh i will laugh and not feel ashamed or guilty for laughing. I will go through this day with God’s help. I am not alone for the Lord, God is my strength and my refuge. He knows that there will be a lot of fuss made around the women who have living children, and that the mothers who have lost children will be forgotten.
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
This verse gives me great comfort. For a long time after Sebastian died, i was so afraid that i would forget Sebastian. That i would not remember him, and the comfort i have is, that God will never forget my child. Truth be told, i don’t think i could ever forget my children. There is not a day that goes by where i do not think about them, where i wonder what they are up to, what they would be like if they were indeed still alive. I often imagine my eldest girl with thick curly hair, and my middle girl with long beautiful locks, and my son looking more like his mom, toddling about as he becomes curious about the world around him. But they are not here. They are sitting at the feet of God, and worshipping Him! How – I wish i could be the one sitting at God’s feet, lovingly gazing up at Him and giving him my all.
People ask me often if i would like to have children again? The answer i used to give them was yes, yes, yes, i want children. Now this time when they ask for the past few months i have said no. I do not want children anymore. I do not want to go through the heartache of losing another, and another and another. Three times is enough for one life time. The shame of not being able to keep your children safe till the very end in the womb is also difficult to deal with. If i were to be pregnant again – God would have to seriously talk to me and wrestle with me. I just don’t see myself having children anymore.
I am feeling a mixture of emotions today. I feel ok, i feel sad. I feel fine. I can’t really decide how i feel. More that it is bittersweet. A reminder that i would rather not partake in the festivities of celebrating mothers. I just want a peaceful day, a day without any drama. A day where i can crawl into my emotional woman’s cave and just sit there quietly in the presence of God, and letting him hold me as I nurse my brokenness. I remember conversation snippets where women a lot of people said to me – ‘have another baby Hannah, the baby will heal you’. And I was thinking uh….. No a baby cannot heal me, and no new baby will replace the ones i loved. Yes, i would love that new baby, but no the new baby would definitely not be a replacement of the ones that i lost. I told them the only person that can heal me from this great loss is God. God can heal me. God can mend my broken heart, if i allow Him to help me. If i allow God to be a part of my life.
Heal me, Lord and I shall be healed, save me and I shall be saved, for you are the one i praise.
Lord, my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
I know that God can heal me. If I allow him into my life. If i open up my door and let him in. God is the greatest healer of all, and he will nurse my broken heart back together. God is my hope. God is love. God is grace. God is wisdom. There are so many words that can describe God. God is indescribably majestic. He is a mysterious God, but his ways are the best, if we follow him. If we allow him to work within us. Seek a quiet place, and listen to his quiet voice. He will speak to you. He will guide you. He will give you hope where there seems to be no hope. God will make a way where there is no way.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
My hope is that women who have lost babies will be able to feel the profound peace of God’s love on them, and that they may be comforted by God, and the people around them. I pray that they will not be alone today, and that they will have comfort, and that they will know that their children are safe with the Lord. Safe in the arms of Jesus. I pray that they will experience joy and peace inside their hearts as they face this day with difficulty and yet we can face this day with Grace, and dignity. We do not need to wear our masks. I pray that we will be able to freely express our emotions and that we will not be judged for it. God is the greatest healer. Hold onto God, for God loves you. Peace be with you.