The long night is over. The long terrible night is over, somewhat to my relief. My thoughts going haywire. All over the place. Zigzagging, crisscrossing, peaks and lows. Still the panic is there. Still the feeling of unease rises at the back of my throat like bile ready to be spewed out like a fountain. My limbs weak. My body shaking from uncontrollable fear. Relax Hannah. Relax Hannah. It is ok. It is ok. It will be ok. The panic. The fear. The discomfort. The sense of unease. A sense of dread. Can’t escape. Looking out window. Trying to open a window to breath fresh air.
Food. Where is the food? Walking towards the shop in a dream like state. Walking, looking for comfort. A comfort that will only last temporarily. Hannah, resist the temptation of choc au pain. But the fear, the panic rises like the insurmountable mountain that I have to cross. I walk, I buy my choc au pain. My excuse to try and calm my raging soul. To try and calm down the fear that is flowing rapidly through my veins up and down, up and down. Inducing pain inside my limbs. The devil is holding me strong. I cannot shake of the devil. But can I not shake him off? God is with me, is he not?
I need to bring my broken heart to God. I need my broken heart to be mended. The anxiety so clearly visible, etched on my face. The sadness in my voice. People asking – are you OK? My mind blanks, my mind builds up a wall where no-one can reach me. I block off this feeling of hope. The tears threatening to explode. I try and block it off… only for it to explode, only for me to drop to my knees and weep I do. Heart wrenching sobs. Heart wrenching sobs of deep distress. The horror of all the pain that has been inflicted on me throughout my past, has come back to the surface. The fear of not being loved. The fear of being alone. The fear of people hating me. The fear of not being liked. The dread of never being able to get through this terrible anxiety that fills me up with so much dread like an angry volcano ready to erupt with fury.
Hannah, remind yourself of God’s words. Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Meditate on those words. Breathe, deeply, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out. Nice and easy. Relax your body. Allow yourself to sink into God’s love. Allow yourself to sink into God’s arms as he cradles you like a babe on his arm. Let Him comfort you. Seek him, cry out to him, and he will give you peace. God loves you Hannah. God loves you Hannah. Hannah you are valued. Hannah you are safe. Hannah you are protected. Hannah the angels surround you and are with you. Breathe in, breathe out. Relax, Hannah, relax. Relax. Keep on swimming. Keep on holding on. You will not drown. It will be ok. It will be ok.
The night was long and dark. The night was filled with dread and fear. The dark snaked around my soul and constricted me. My legs paralyzed, my arms paralyzed from fear. What more is there to say? Trust in God. Give him your all. Let yourself fall. He will protect you. God will hold you. It will be ok. You are loved Hannah.
Fragile and weak. Vulnerable and alone. Darkness and despair. Hopeless. Uncertain. Afraid. Panic. Fear induced panic. Alarmed. Horror. Distress. Holding on tightly on the free ride I never wanted to get on to. I wanted to get off this free ride a long time ago. Weeping. Anguish. Deep heartache. Missing. Lost. Confused. The silent tears fall like a cascade. Bile rising. Stomach pain. Exhaustion. Battling this pain. Battling this heartache. How to press forward. Put your hope in God. Put your trust in God. Let God help you fight your battles. Bring God into your heart, make Him your dwelling place. Hold on. Hold on. Keep on swimming Hannah. Keep on going. Keep on breathing. You can do it. You can get out of this dark murky water. Keep on holding. Keep on holding. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. O Lord hear my prayer. Help me please to seek you. Help me to feel you O Lord. Please come and dwell within me. Lord protect me. Help me to focus on the cross. O Lord hear my prayer. I need you. I cannot do this on my own. Keep swimming Hannah. Keep swimming Hannah, soon you will reach the shore lines, and you will be safe once more. You will feel the presence of the Lord. Don’t forget Hannah, the Lord your God, your Savior is with you. Remind yourself of his truths. Seek his presence. Unburden yourself at the foot of the cross. Relax Hannah. Breathe deeply, breathe deeply. In out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out, in out. That is it. You can do it Hannah. You can pull through. Just keep clinging onto God, He is your hope and refuge. Seek his shelter and it will be ok. It will be ok. God loves you. God loves you Hannah. Repeat after me: God loves you. You are valued. It will be ok. It is just feelings. You don’t have to believe everything what the devil tells you. Relax Hannah, relax.