If life could be like this bicycle, firmly rooted to its place, unwavering faith then wouldn’t life be plain sailing easy? Or would it be boring? Ok… So i am writing this at 2.27 in the morning. My head pounding against my skull, my throat hurting. But one thing i am grateful for is this: I feel more at peace then i did when i went to bed last night. I was so furious with myself. So angry with myself.
I was angry because i have been so insecure recently. Always afraid that people do not like me. That people dislike me. That i am not worthy to be loved, that i am not valued. But i am valued, and i am liked even if i find that a difficult phenomenon to overcome! I think in this life we all suffer from insecurities -some more than others.
My life plagued by insecurities stemmed from the hurt in my past, my daughters dying, my son dying – which amplified the feelings of inadeqcy. Of not being able to keep my children safe. The struggle i am having today is this: my middle daughter – her birthday is approaching fast, she would have been four. In 11 days she will be 4. Always the days before her birth i feel panicked, unsure of myself. Almost to the point that i am losing myself once more in a pit of despair.
I have to remind myself that i have to learn to forgive myself. That my daughter’s death was not my fault. And yet in my mind as her mother i should have done more to keep her safe. Even in the womb she wasn’t safe and that makes me angry. It makes me angry that i wasn’t able to keep her safe, that i wasn’t able to protect her, because i was too frightened to. So, i have to remember who i am in Christ. My identity is in Christ and not in materialistic things.
I want to strive to be a better person. I want to follow Jesus more and more. I want to be a beacon of light to the lost women/men of this world. I want to give hope to people. I want people to come to know the Lord as their saviour. There is so much i want to do. But first i have to accept who i am, and i have to forgive myself for my insecurities. I need to be firmly rooted to the ground, and my faith needs to run deep. It cannot just scratch the surface. Its roots need to be firmly rooted in the ground.
1 Peter 3:15
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
People in my life started to notice the transformation within me, the hope that i have for the future, and they were asking me why it suddenly changed. I told them i have hope because God has given me peace about my future. I have hope because God loves me. Because i am loved. Because i am walking towards the edge of my wilderness into the light. Of course I still have to deal with the hiccups of insecurity, and feeling angry with myself. But i am a lot gentler with myself then i used to be. I have to preach life over me, rather than death. God is my greatest healer. In God i can find my security, if the roots of my faith are firmly planted into the ground, i can overcome anything with God’s love, strength. I can experience joy again even when there is a war raging through my heart. I will not live a life of bitterness. My hope is in Christ the Lord. God gave up his only son so that we may have eternal life – so i will do my very best to live a fulfilling Christian life for my children and for God.
Ultimately, it is what we make of life. Do we decide to let fear hold us down, or do we live by faith? I choose the later. I will not let fear conquer me. Because if you live by fear you will go through the following emotions: depression, isolation, self-pity, bitterness, self-hatred, etc., etc.. If i live by faith, I know that there is a hope and that i can overcome any mountain that seems insurmountable to cross. I will battle my insecurities with my shield of faith. I will not doubt myself, for the Lord God is with me. The Lord God loves me. I will put my garment of praise on and I will worship God all my days. Worship and reading the word of God, prayer –> those are my weapons that i will use to win the battle of insecurities in my mushy mind. It is well.
My prayer for today:
Thank you Lord for your love towards me. Lord thank you for the people you put on our paths that help us to refocus our eyes on to the cross. Thank you for keeping my children safe and for looking after them, while i am still learning your lessons here on earth. Thank you for carrying me through tough times. Thank you for guiding me to do the right things. Lord, I pray that you will help me to overcome my insecurities and that i may feel secure in the knowledge of your love. Help me to overcome this, O Lord, i pray this in your mighty and wonderful name. Amen