The panic. The fear. The rising bile. The 1000 needles poking through my entire body. Hypersensitivity? The devil’s lies. All i can hear inside my war torn heart – you are not loved. You are not loved. You are not loved. You are not loved, and the panic of being alone in the world rises, and the bile rises behind my throat – ready to throw up under the pressure of trying to keep up. Trying to fight this good fight. Trying not to let the devil fill up every pore of my body. And yet somehow the pain he inflicts on me emotionally and physically keeps me bound to bed like a frightened little girl not able to move past. Not able to see clearly. Not able to concentrate on anything. Just the taunting voice of the devil. No one likes you Hannah. No one likes you Hannah. No one likes you Hannah. That is why they are not talking to you. That is why they are ignoring you. You are such a failure Hannah. Negative talk alert. I have to think positively. I have to go over the bible and read the truths. I cannot let the devil win. I must not let the devil win. The pain in my heart. The ache in my heart all to real. In the darkness of the night i sit in my pit of despair barely able to keep my head above the water. Barely able to breathe. Drowning. Drowning. Drowning. Fear. Fear. Fear. Panic. Panic. Panic. The bile rises, and i collapse on my bed and i fall into a troubled slumber.
I thought i had it all together. I thought i came to a point in my life where i knew it will be ok for God is with me. Where did that strong sense of faith go? Why is it replaced with this indescribable fear that is plaguing my soul like cancer. My arms are aching. My legs are aching. They feel weak. They feel like flubber. The devil’s doing. Run Hannah. Run Hannah. Run Hannah.
Remind yourself of the love of God through music and through the bible verses. Give yourself over to God Hannah. Be dependent on God. O Lord I need you tonight. Pray to your Lord God Almighty.. Call out to Him and He will come and comfort your raging soul. O Lord, I cry out i need you. Please help me to see more clearly. Please help me to hear your quiet voice in this deep dark pit. Lord hear me please. I cannot face the devil alone. Where he seems to conquer every part of my being. O Lord, please help me. I need you Lord. I love you Lord. I don’t want to go through this pain, this fear, this panic, this self-hatred i have for myself. O Lord help me to love myself. Help me to seek you more. O Lord I pray this in your mighty name.
The door bell rings – i am suddenly awoken from a terrible nightmare or so i hope! -But it isn’t a dream. I drift back into my sleep, the doorbell still ringing in the distant. Ringing. Ringing, ringing, ringing. Why is it ringing? Whose trying to come into my apartment? What time is it? All senses gone with the wind. The fear and the sense of drowning more powerful. It takes a while for my head to link the doorbell to my apartment. I slowly rise from my bed. Walk slowly through to the hall – look through the keyhole and see – o i have locked my housemate out. Still standing there, unsure whether to open the door. The doorbell rings, rings, rings. Shaking me awake from the fear that is cradling my very being. How did i manage to do that to lock my housemate out? I thought i left the key out. I open the door, mumble my apologies, and i stumble back blindly to my bed, succumbed to fear and shaking. The devil has a good hold over my spirit and only God can help me to get through the drowning sensation. The devil is cradling my fear. Where is God? Why am I feeling so desperately rejected and alone? Why is God so very strangely quiet in my head.
Things flash through my mind. Where is my son? What happened to my son? Why is he not here? Where is my son. Why can i not find him? Oh wait – my son passed away. The reality sinking back into my mind. The panic. The bile rising fast. The fear. The heartache. The anguish. The deep pain. Forgotten in the mist of darkness. I cling on. I cling on as the rollercoaster takes me for a ride freely and turns me upside down as my stomach churns and is ready to heave. O God, i can’t do this alone anymore. I need your help O Lord. Hear my prayer.
I lay back down and bury myself under the covers, hugging my pillows for comfort. Trying to drift into the folds of forgotten sleep. Only this time sleep will not come. Brutally awoken by the sound of the ringing doorbell, i have to ease myself back into a resting state. My arms aching. My legs aching. My heart pounding against my chest as if trying to escape from its little place. I lay there thinking, praying, hoping that this feeling of awful dreadfulness will only last through the night. That this is only a nightmare and that by the time in the morning that feeling will be gone, and replaced with God’s love, God’s tender voice in my ear. Reminding me gentle to look at the cross. To focus on the cross. To lay my emotions bare on the cross. I have to remind myself i have to put my emotions naked at the cross, and God will hear my anguished cry and will come to my rescue for i am safely cocooned in his dwelling place. The panic, the desperate fear that has inflicted my body in a short space of a few hours takes over once more, and holds me down as if choking the life out of me. Help me Lord. Let me see more clearly. Drowning. Drowning. Drowning. Breathe Hannah. Breathe Hannah. Deep long breaths, in and out, in and out, in and out. Breathe Hannah, breathe. Breathe Hannah, breathe. Give yourself to God. Let God cradle you to sleep. Let yourself fall and trust in him. It will be well. It is well.
My battle. My war torn heart. My broken heart. Mending my broken heart. Holding on tight to God, my Lord my saviour. Help me please, so that i do not drown in the bottomless pit of despair. I can get out. Hold on tight, and I will carry you, as you sink into your pillows for a slumber of peace. Hold on Hannah. You will pull through. It will be ok. It will pass. The panic will pass. The fear will pass, and you will be stronger for it, once more safely in the arms of Jesus. Breathe Hannah, breathe. It will be ok. Breathe. Remember to breathe. Remember to cling onto the cross, to hold onto the cross, and dont let go, for the Lord your God is with you, and He will guide you back safely to the shore. Breathe Hannah. Keep on swimming till you reach the shore. Thats it you can do it. You can do it. You are safe. You are loved. You are liked. You are protected. You are valued. You will be ok. God is with you Hannah. God is with you. God loves you. God loves you Hannah. Repeat after me: God loves me. God loves me. God is love, and in the safety of his wings i can dwell.