The past month or so I have been so busy trying to forget that mother’s day is around the corner and I did forget, however then a reminder occurred, someone told me ‘oh you know its mother’s day next week’. A reminder I would rather have avoided. I don’t know what I will do on that day? Perhaps go into my emotional cave and cry out to the Lord. And leave the burdens of my heart at the cross. Perhaps it will be easier this year then the last? I don’t know. I really don’t know how I will face it when the time comes. Will I face it with a resilient attitude and respond with grace? Or will I lay on the floor in a fetal position weeping till I have no more tears left within my broken heart?
I guess I have three choices that day. To go forward with grace, grin and bear it, you can just be miserable and feel sorry for yourself, or go with the flow of the day [meaning if grief overtakes, then let grief overtake, if you smile then smile]. I will choose the latter option. Seems to make a lot more sense to me then to sit, wallow, and party in self-pity. I will not wear my mask. I will not camouflage my grief. I will face the day with resilience and strength because God is with me. God is the greatest comforter of my soul!
I don’t like the whole charade around mother’s day to be honest. Yes, we should honor our mothers and fathers, but why does there have to be a specific day in the year where we celebrate it? Can’t we celebrate mother’s day without the hassle and commotion of what others think? What about all those mothers who have lost babies? Or have this deep desire of wanting to have children but for some unknown reason they cannot have children. Their hearts must be filled up with such tremendous grief and anguish. I can only imagine it too well.
Losing three children is no small feat. It is a struggle. Constant struggle of balancing life and grief in one hand. Will I ever get over it? No! But – the raw pain doesn’t have to overwhelm me, because Jesus died on the cross for us, I am able to go to the cross and lay my burdens and griefs out and Jesus will hear me. He will comfort me.
Mending my broken heart has been a challenge, a journey, of figuring out how to live my life according to God’s will. About changing my attitude. About moving the focus away from myself and putting my hope into the cross. Not to put hope in people, and senseless materialism. But to put hope in the cross, knowing full well that God loves me and hears the battles of my heart. Psalm 139:13 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I remember a year ago around this time I really struggled with the idea of celebrating mother’s day. I was wondering if people would remember me, forget me not for I am a mother of three angels. As it so happened to be, it was a 50 50 day. People forgot, people remembered. The ones I remembered I am so grateful to. The ones that forgot – well they probably thought we shouldn’t remind Hannah of it. ‘Hannah might get upset, no good reminding Hannah of the pain of the past’. But really all I wanted was for people to remember me, and say that despite everything YOU ARE STILL A MOM. I think the hardest thing for a parent to endure is to lose their child. Far harder because you will always wonder what your child will look like, what your child is doing. What kind of personality your child has? Will he look like me? Will she have my character? Will she have a sweet tender caring heart? The wondering of what your children would be doing is a daily battle. I have to physically hand over my daughters and son to Jesus every day. My children are safe in the arms of Jesus. Micheline, nearly 7; Elouise nearly 4; Sebastian, a toddling 1.5 year old. Hard to imagine how fast time has flown since their deaths, and yet at the same time, it feels as if it only happened yesterday. The birth, the releasing of my son into heaven.
Mother’s day is not just about celebrating the mothers with living children. But it should also celebrate the mothers who have lost their children through whatever reason. After all we are still mothers we just don’t have the physical evidence of our children with us – however, we do carry them in our heart. And that is where they will firmly stay. Hidden in that secret place of your heart.
I pray that people will remember the mothers who have no-body to share their special day with. I pray that those mothers will not be alone and that they will be covered in the love with the people around them, and that they will be taken care of and treated kindly. I pray that people will remember us and that people will give us the chance to talk about our children. This is my prayer. I know that God will hold us close to his heart on that day, and reassure us that our children are safe with him. He will give us extra comfort and extra love. I am a mother that much I know. It is the love that I carry so much of in my heart for my lost children.