Father God, I wonder how I managed to exist
Without the knowledge of parenthood and
Your loving care
Life is funny – the way things happen. It never ceases to amaze me what God is up to in each of our lives, and how God can set the lonely into families. And give the motherless and fatherless mum’s and dad’s. Though I grew up in a family with children, I was emotionally neglected from a young age. Starved off love, and so, the walls built up around me. Hardened me in a way. I struggled my way through teenage-hood independently. Resilient and determined. With a certain amount of precision. Only for the past to creep up on me. Making foolish mistake after foolish mistake after foolish mistake. Never really learning. Never really learning to respect myself. Never really learning to be compassionate towards myself. Always putting the needs of others first before my own needs. I don’t have needs.
Life in a nutshell is challenging. All I really wanted was a quiet life. A simple life. Simply to be loved. To be a daughter. It was so important for me to be able to fit into a family, to be able to be a daughter. To be able to just be me without condemnation. In a way it’s like I am relearning everything. Relearning who I am. Learning to accept that I am loved. That I am worthy. Yet I do not believe that I am worthy of a Mum and Daddy’s love. I am so undeserving. I have so much baggage. So much shame attached to my name. So much pain attached to my name.I don’t think I am a blessing to anyone. I struggle. I battle on. In many ways it would be easier just to be left alone. Let the walls go up again – close the walls and don’t let anyone in. But can I live like this forever?
Increasingly I am aware of my own vulnerability. Learning the importance of not being ashamed to ask for help when I need help. Learning to be free within God. Learning to trust God to lead me on. I didn’t think a year ago that I would gain a Mum and a Dad. It was the furthest thing from my mind. I was getting ready to start my job in Dublin. But here I am – on a different island and in the process gained a Mum and a Dad. I have a good relationship with both of them. I can talk to both without any fear of being condemned. This is how it should have been when I was growing up. But it was not like that. Instead, my past echoes of you should not have been born.
My own biological father a narcissist. A control tower. Pressing me down. The urge of needing to please him constantly has left me in dire situations into my adulthood. Self-sabotage. I don’t allow myself the freedom to be free because I think I am unworthy of any of this. I was never allowed to be me. And now – can I really be me? Is it safe to be me? Who am I? I no longer know who I am. My confidence completely shattered. The fear of being a disappointment, a failure very much alive in me. A tension inside of me. If I don’t do ABC they will not like me. So much shame attached to my name.
Sorry was never good enough for my biological father. It was always my fault. Never his fault. I carry those wounds deep. I try to move on. But it seems impossible. Maybe it is true. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am not worthy of a Mum’s and Daddy’s love. But then Mum and Dad love me unconditionally. Somehow. I don’t understand it. I don’t deserve it.
Was it wrong of me to ask two people to be my Mum and Dad? Was it wrong of me to ask them to love me like their own child? Yet, it will never be the same.. There seems to be a shadow of loss hanging over me as I battle through the questions of who am I? Where do I belong? More importantly, am I worthy to be a daughter? Do I deserve to be someone’s daughter with all my failings and faults. Am I someone’s daughter? Am I safe? Is it safe to trust again? Or will the walls of my heart close once more?