In the middle of the night there is an echo inside my room calling my name. I wake up feeling lost and confused. Bewildered. Trying  to find the voice. Hannah. Hannah beloved child look towards Me. Do not be afraid. I love you Hannah.  It will be well. Focus on Me.  Deep slow breaths. That’s it. Keep breathing. You will be okay. Keep breathing. 

My legs thrash around. The dark thoughts come. Ways out flock my way. I feel helpless. I can’t move. I just feel emotionally drained.  Broken. Sad. And so deeply ashamed of myself. I want to free fall into a deep slumber and not have to wake up.  I am pathetic for not being able to cope with what life throws at me. How pathetic can I get? The other voice is louder. It screams at me. It shouts at me. It’s my fault – the tension.  It keeps saying it’s my fault.  It’s my fault. It’s my fault. Maybe it is. It gets louder and louder. My fault. My fault taunting me awake.

I see images of my own demise flickering past . I wake in a shudder.  I fight it. I try to find my balance back. But it taunts me. It’s the same voice that taunted me 15 years ago when my parents divorced.  The tension between wanting both sides to be at peace regardless of the outcome. I remember it like yesterday.  My parents fighting.  Then the divorce. Then my biological father playing the blame game.  Telling me it was all my fault.  And that I was just like my mother. He tried to beat it out of me. He failed. He said if I don’t start acting normal he’d kick me out. He didn’t see reason. He was a control tower squashing me till I had nothing left. My low self-esteem gone.

I begin to doubt myself. I begin to doubt the voices of reason.  I am torn. I am a broken rose petal. I doubt everything in my life. I feel weary. I just want to hide. Run away in shame. Run Hannah, run. The soft voice comes again and says Stay Hannah, stay. Do not be afraid. Stay Hannah, stay.

Who am I? The tears stream down. I am alone. Broken. Deeply ashamed of myself. I hide away in shame. I withdraw into my cave. I build the wall bigger around me. It’ll be harder to break down.