Diary: Day 84 – 87 – A Walk on Water

Romans 5.3-4 – We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

I have looked back over the last few weeks of my life, months perhaps of my life, and what do I see? A Creator that cares. A heavenly Father that looks after my needs. A God that provides for me, that cares for me, that loves me unconditionally.  And what have I done to deserve that? You know what amazes me is that I could be homeless by now – no money, no job, financially unable to support myself for much longer but the Lord of Lords, the God of the heavens, my heavenly Father has looked after me.  He has not abandoned me.  He has not rejected me He is here in this very room with me, even though I feel for months that he has abandoned me and rejected me. He hasn’t.  Hallelujah.

I am standing in front of my window and I just see God’s abundant grace upon my life.  Yes, I am still going through struggles but my assurance is in God. My assurance is knowing that God can look after me even when I can’t do it.  The last months have been a journey of trust and hard faith.  On July 2nd 2018 he tells me – trust me, quit the job Hannah, trust me and I will provide for you. I quit the job in faith, believing and trusting that God can and will provide for my needs. It hasn’t been an easy walk of faith. It has taken a lot of courage to face this walk on water. Yet not once has God let me gone without.  I have seen him help me, I have seen him use me to help others when they needed it and in turn they helped me.  Except I don’t feel like this walk of faith started this year. I think it started four years ago when my son died.

Last year when I moved to Berlin it was another big step in my healing journey. Stepping out. Walking by faith, not by fear.  Leaving behind my comfort zone, my safety zone. Meeting people who allowed me to live under their roof for free. Being blessed by God’s unconditional love. Sharing my faith with many people on this journey whether it was travelling through Europe to share my story or staying in one location. God has used me to help others in the same way he has used others to help me.  There is a season for helping and giving, and there is a season where you receive the help you need to reach the goal that God has set before you.

Each time I think oh no, I don’t think I will find a job and share it with others, I experience God’s grace. God’s goodness. We will form a human wall  to prevent you from leaving. We believe that God put you here on the Isle of Wight for a reason. To study. To become a counsellor and to bless many other people.  In recent days I have experienced a deep peace that I didn’t think could come back. Yet there is still an underlying fear that everything around me will collapse. But I keep coming back to this one point: my assurance and hope is in God.

I will keep walking this path that God has provided for me. It will take courage in the face of fear. But I will achieve because God has given me people and the skills to cope with what I need to face. Pray with me. Pray with me so that I may find a job. Thank you.

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