Diary: Day 22 – A Walk on Water

1 John 1.7 – If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 

I don’t understand my existence today simply because I no longer know what God wants me to do.  I spent a lot of time today speaking with God. Asking him to guide me onwards.. But all I hear is stillness. Nothing. Just a loud ringing silence from God. I wonder how long till he speaks to me? My finances dwindling fast, my future coming to a halt. And not a step closer to where I should go / be. Just trapped in this endless cycle of patience.

I feel agitated. Disappointed. Discouraged. Defeated. Daunted. Trapped. Overwhelmed. Bewildered. Angry. Frustrated. Annoyed. Depressed. Restless.  Sad. If God is really real than surely he will show me the way forward soon?

Jesus, what have I accomplished with my life? All I see is my many failings. My lack of faith in recent weeks. I pray God I surrender to you my body. Let your will be done not mine will. I surrender you all my struggles. But I don’t feel like God always hears me. I have had some peace over the last few days but it’s like shifting shadows. Agitation mainly overrides peace. Peace becomes an elusive commodity. How I desire to know where I should go. God can’t you give me a tiny glimpse of my future? Of what I should be doing in the coming weeks? I feel like I am mourning. And I don’t know why.

I prayed and prayed and prayed for months seeking God’s will for my life. I thought it was Dublin, Ireland – but was it? Was I wise to quit my job on the first day? Or was I just plain stupid?

I have this urge to move forward. To study. To get on with my life. But everything has come to a screeching halt. How I desire for God to speak to my broken heart. How I desire to do what he wants me to do. Yet I feel frustrated and angry that he hasn’t given me any signal, anything to go by. When Lord? How will it all work out with dwindling finances? With a hole in my heart where the pain seeps in.

What is my purpose in this crazy thing called life? What have I done wrong?? Please God just speak to my heart. Show me the way. I am placing my life into your hands and I am trusting you for a good God outcome.. Help me please dear Lord. I just can’t do it without you and I want to hear from you desperately.

2 thoughts on “Diary: Day 22 – A Walk on Water

  1. Hi, I have read your posts for many years now. I started following you a few years ago and I could really feel and hear myself in your voice. I have no advice, rather, I hope you know you are not alone. So many of us feel like you. I’m not religious. Spiritual maybe. But. Those moments when I felt most alone and abandoned is was so I could learn something. I could learn to guide myself. Everything you have done has been for a reason. All of it. To an outside it sounds like you are on a journey. A rough journey. I don’t know what I’m trying to say even…but I’m thinking of you, sending you positive vibes. I’ve just, just come through the most difficult period of my life, I wanted to give up. But now, it’s ok. Its not perfect but it’s ok and I hope that you find some inner peace. You clearly have a load of inner strength. My heart is with you. Keep going sister. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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