Diary: Day 21 – A Walk on Water

1 Peter 5.7 – Cast all your cares on him because he cares for you.

The truth is – I feel bad. At least I am being honest about it. Yes, I am struggling. Yes, I am in a dark place at the moment. But I know that I am not alone.  If I don’t respond to some of your e-mails, messages of support, etc. It is not because I am ignoring you. It is because I need the space to get back on top of my emotions. I need to get back to a place of equilibrium. I am thankful that God has brought me this far by his grace. I have gone through a thousand bad days, I can go through a thousand more bad days, knowing that ultimately my safety is in God.  And that God will look after my needs. Contrary to what my emotions tell me in this dark place.

A message of Thanksgiving
To the ones that have written to me, encouraged me, taken me in, given me space, praying for me – thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for not pushing me. Thank you for saying that it is OK to be weak. Thank you for not saying that you have to be strong all the time. Because quite frankly you can’t be strong all the time.  You have moments of peace, and moments of trials and moments when you are in a raging storm. I know that to some I may seem emotionally unstable. It is not so. I am simply working through some stuff – and that takes time. I spent the last four years on the go.  Since my son died. And when I think of it – I haven’t really sat still. I have been on the go constantly. And in some ways its easier to avoid being still. But I am having a time of rest and recuperation with some dear people.  A few people who know me well, and want the best for me.

To my German sister and family – thank you for your support, love, encouragement, your advice, and prayers. Thank you for providing me with a refuge at such short notice. I appreciate that more than you will ever know.

To my spiritual father – the one that has encouraged me countless times and given me advice, support and encouragement for the past two and a half years. I appreciate you. I cherish the moments we have shared, and the countless amounts of times you have given me advice, and told me so many times that you believe in me, that you support me no matter what. That you will not abandon me. Thank you. My thirteen year old self still thinks I will be abandoned. Rejected. These are issues that I am trying to deal with. And I will come to terms with. Thank you for not letting me down. Thank you for not leaving me in a rut to fight the battle on my own. Thank you for praying for me, and thank you for getting others to pray for me. I am blessed to have you in my life – and I will always cherish that.

To God the Father – thank you for providing for my every need, thank you for whispering to my broken heart today after a month of almost total silence from you. Thank you for not giving up on me, and giving me a chance over and over and over again. Thank you for the gifts you have given me, and that you will help me to use in the future.  Thank you for the time of rest you are giving me amongst people who know me and care for me. It is the greatest gift ever.

I am in the mountains somewhere. I love the smell of mountain air. It always brings solace and peace to my broken heart. What would be even better is having a river. Rivers of flowing water. Rivers of healing water.  I am hoping to discover a river soon….. And the dogs help.  But its not just that. It is the company.  Company, good prayer. Unconditional love, rest, and restoration that will ultimately restore me to the person that most of you know me as. Shy and introverted.

If I don’t react/respond to your e-mails its because I am in healing mode. Resting mode. Restoration mode. I am not ignoring you. So, please forgive me if you feel that I am ignoring you. I just need the space to get back to being whole and being a faithful servant of God.



2 thoughts on “Diary: Day 21 – A Walk on Water

  1. Sorry if I’ve sounded as if I’m pushing you. Do understand. Praying for you. Hang in there, Hannah, He will bring you through.

    And thanks for your honesty. Too often Christians give the impression that we’re all FINE all the time, when clearly life isn’t like that – see Bible, see Christians living in other countries where they are persecuted or even existing is just HARD.


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