Tomorrow is mother’s day. Well for mainland Europe – Belgium, Slovakia, etc.. those countries where I came from. It is another year where I ponder how could all 3 of my pregnancies have gone so terribly wrong? With the passage of time I have come to a place of acceptance and peace. Another year where the mothers of children gone too soon are forgotten. Another year where being a mother to 3 angel children doesn’t really matter in the real scheme of things.
I often wonder what it would be like to hold my child near my chest, or what it would have been like to have had them in tow. Next week 21st May is my daughter Elouise’s birthday. She will be a grand age of 6. Hard to believe how time moves forward. How healing can take place when you learn to accept that they will not return to your universe but have gone to an alternative universe. A place of serene rest. A place of beauty.
Yet I ponder on this question: what makes a mother? Am I a mother? Long after my children have gone, and not been able to experience motherhood except through pregnancy, I often think what right do I have to say that I am a mother? But I am a mother when you think of it. I birthed my three children into this world and released them into heaven. I did the hardest thing a mother can do: letting them go and be with God. Letting them go. Preparing a funeral for the last. It is not easy to plan a funeral. It is not easy to let go of a reality that was meant to be but was robbed. I sometimes feel cheated out of motherhood.
I loved, love my girls Micheline and Elouise. I loved, love Sebastian. I planned his first year, I lovingly made him a blanket, made his bed, only for him to never reside in it. I bought clothes for him, I planned photographic opportunities for him, I planned his first years at school and the desire for him to learn Slovak folk dancing. I planned so much, and yet what it all comes down to is releasing him to God, into the safe arms of Jesus.
And so what makes a mother? A mother is someone who loves their children unconditionally, and lets them go when the time is ready for them to be released. A mother protects their children, a mother looks after their children. A mother nourishes their children. I loved and love my children, but I didn’t get the chance to look after them here on earth. But I did pray for them. I do love them, and do know that they are in the safest place they can be…
So why then, is tomorrow so hard to face? So, many children run to their parents and give them hugs, accept their parents, love their parents, and express their appreciation towards their parents but I will never have that. Not with Micheline, Elouise and Sebastian. That reality was taken when they died. And I have made peace with that.
Just remember: that there are women out there that are hurting, that have lost a child and that these women are often forgotten. Often left alone to fend for themselves. And so with this I will embrace tomorrow knowing that I am a mother of 3 beautiful children in heaven.
Who am I? A mother? Or not a mother? What am I? What makes a mother? Am I a mother?