One could say that a catalyst of change occurred to me on 26 September 2014. Or one could say that life changed drastically the day that I conceived my son late January 2014. When I reflect on those gone by days I see how much has changed in my life, I see how God walked with me every step of the way. How He never left my side, and kept my fuel going. Spiritual food was a necessity. Without spiritual food, my fuel tank would get so low that I would not be able to serve the Lord with all my heart. Or that I would abandon my faith.
We can view life in two ways, the glass of water is filled.
- Do you see a glass of water half full?
- Or half empty?
The people that see the glass as half empty view life in a negative way, but the people who see the glass as half full see the world in a positive way. They live in a manner where they are a blessing to others, where they encourage others, where they support people. But the people who have a negative attitude to life tend to bring people down. Tend to be critical and don’t have the grace inside of them that God has given them so freely.
Long before my son died, and long before I became pregnant with my son, I lived with my ex-partner. Because of my living situation I became an angry, negative, bitter person. Self-loathing of myself. Lacking self-confidence, and insecure about a lot of stuff. But I remember hearing God and God saying, ‘come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I shall give you rest’ Matthew 11.28. That was when I made the decision to leave because I knew that God would go before me and make my paths straight.
During my pregnancy with my son Sebastian-David, I became less aware of myself, and more aware of the people around me. Perhaps, it was the environment that I lived in. The women’s shelter might have hit a raw nerve with me. I became increasingly dependent on God. Relying on Him for everything. Was that God’s wake up call for me? Living in a shelter, totally alone, pregnant and not knowing what was to happen in my life but simply learning to trust that I will get through this? That God will see me through. It was the start of an amazing journey where I would rely on God all the time, where I would focus on God, and not on myself. I think in the shelter I had to decide of seeing the glass as half full rather than half-empty. And be a positive person, that would help others to come to know the Lord. My marriage to my ex-husband destroyed the person that I was meant to be.
God is changing me daily. He is transforming me into His image. The amazing thing is that even after my son died when I moved back home, even if I wasn’t standing or walking, I was crawling, and I was being carried by God. I look back on those years of turmoil, and if it weren’t for those experiences I wouldn’t be the person that God created me to be. God often puts us in uncomfortable situations, out of our comfort zone to develop our personality, to challenge our independency and turn it into dependency. Dependency on God is a necessity. Independency is a curse. It can lead us astray.
I heard God’s voice again that it was time to move forward, itchy feet were happening one could say. I believe if I had stayed at home, my faith would remain stagnant. I would be one of those Christians that would not grow. But remain the same. I didn’t want that for me. I have this great conviction within me to serve the Lord with all my heart. To spread the good news to the nations. To tell people of His saving actions in my life. God has transformed me, from a bitter angry person to someone who sees the world positively. To someone who values care, and who values the kindness of others, and who has a desire to help others to come to that place of deep peace. Peace that cannot be explained except for the fact that God is grace. God is love, God impacts me daily. I am still a work in progress. As long as I walk the plains of the earth I am a work in progress.
This new season is teaching me to live life differently, teaching me to live life to the fullest, while I am serving the Lord. God is teaching me to have fun, and my self-confidence is growing, I am doing things I would never have dreamed of doing a year ago. A year ago I was a social recluse. Perhaps I was protecting myself from the pain of hurt, protecting myself from hope, because if I didn’t hope I didn’t have to experience pain again. But without hope where are we in life? God is teaching me that it is OK to hope, that it is OK to take risks and to not be afraid of risk. God is teaching me new skills daily, and I am learning to embrace every single moment of every day and learning to celebrate each moment, each small victory I have overcome which I wouldn’t have been able to do a year ago. The transformation is wonderful.
I am the daughter of a King, Lord of Lords, Prince of peace. And I will serve Him with all of my heart. The finished work when we see Him, face to face will be amazing, and will be ultimately when we are all in heaven, and what God has worked us towards as we face our trials every day on earth. Do not be afraid of change. Embrace it.