My dearest little Sebby,

Mummy had her driving exam today, but unfortunately she didn’t even get through the first round.  I failed on the theory by 1 point, and will have to re-do either in two weeks time or in three weeks.  We will see.

Mummy was feeling like a failure and a huge disappointment after I was told I wasn’t able to go further with the driving exam.  I asked the police officer if he could give me one more chance today, and his answer was simply no.  I guess I had to accept that, and rise above my failure and disappointment.  Except I have to remember that I am not a failure.

Mummy is not a failure.
Mummy is not a failure.
Mummy is not a failure.
Mummy is not a failure.
Mummy is not a failure. 

Thing is I feel like it is a set back.  Like I feel somehow I went wrong somewhere.  How? I don’t know.  Maybe I was over-confident that I would pass.  Maybe it is a good thing, that I didn’t get to drive today because the weather is terrible (snow and ice on the roads).  Probably best if it was delayed.  For whatever reason I failed – I have to remember that the Lord is in control.  And that I have another chance at a later date.

I also realize that there are much worse things than failing on a driving exam.  Like losing you my dear child.  I went down memory lane after I got told that I failed.  Down memory lane.  The pain after I lost you will never be comparable to anything else in this world.  And so this driving exam even if I failed, I did my best.

Even if I tried my best to keep you alive – I didn’t fail you as a mummy, because I loved you so, so much, and you were my all, and I would have done anything to protect you, and to give you the life you deserved.  It makes me sad that I am not able to share moments with you.  That I am not able to share my successes with you in person.  That you are not here to put a smile on mummy’s face.  That I cannot watch you grow into the man of God you would have become.  That I am not able to see you play with your friends, play in the snow, and do all the things that we could do together.

I have to believe that God is in it and that He is in control, and that one day soon I will get to pass, and have a driving license.  But that the driving license won’t define who I am.I am still the same woman that God created and that God loves.

I think after I lost you, and everything the biggest risk for me was to live again.  To take a step forward and to move on with life.  It was difficult.  It wasn’t easy.  It was a trial in itself.  I had to set small achievable goals for myself and redefine my new normal.  And going into this exam today, though it was a small risk, I needed to do it, and I know I will have another chance soon and Lord willing I will pass this time.

Life is about the lessons you can learn, and also learning to rise above failure and disappointment and not to let your failure and disappointment be the end of who yo are in the Lord. I am created in the image of God, I am not created in the image of a driving license.

I don’t really know what to say today, except that I will rise above this disappointment and carry on with life.  I am not going to let this experience take away the goal I have worked towards for so long.

Today I miss you my son, and I wish you were here, and I could play with you, and read you a book, and to love you.  How I wish I could hold you in my arms.  But somehow I think you wouldn’t have wanted that, as by now you are a bouncing two year old boy.

Mummy is not a failure.  Mummy has achieved a lot.  Mummy has written a book for you, and this book will be published in a few weeks time.

One day I will get to see you again, I hope.  Mummy loves you very much.

Please a special request, ask our heavenly father that I may pass the exam in a few weeks time, and that He will be in control of everything.  I trust in the Lord, and I believe in Him.  I will believe His truths, and I will not believe the lies of the enemy.

Go well my precious child.

I love you always.

Mummy
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