Lately I find myself crying a lot.  Seems to be a repeat of this every year since my son died.  The Post Christmas Blues.  Depression comes in with its army and seemingly without permission comes to evade my world of hope.  And there I am sinking, into the deep depths of flesh eating depression, rotting away like cancer.  A cancer eating bug.

And I am all alone fighting this battle.  No-one here to see me through.  To help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Sebastian’s death has changed me.  I don’t like celebrating Christmas anymore.  It depresses me.  I plummet fast and hard into the world of darkness, and I struggle to breathe.  I fight to breathe.  But I am all alone fighting this.

Falling. Falling. Falling. Falling. Falling. Weeping. Weeping. Weeping.  Weeping. Weeping.  Desperately trying to cling on.  But everything feels like a punishment.  A punishment of some sort.  Weak. Battered. Bruised.  Weak.  Battered. Bruised.  Weak.  Battered. Bruised.  Weak.  Battered. Bruised.  Weak.  Battered.  Bruised.  Faith. Resilience. Strength.  Love. Hope. Peace. Faith. Resilience. Strength.  Love. Hope. Peace. Faith. Resilience. Strength.  Love. Hope. Peace.   Darkness versus light.  Light versus darkness.  Which world will conquer which?   Which world will conquer first?

How on earth do I get myself out of this pit?  Before Christmas it was a slow decline, right after Christmas i plummeted.  And no-one was there to catch me.  To hold me up when I fall. Battling this painful journey alone.

God I miss my son so much.  I wish he was here.  I wish he didn’t have to die.  I just don’t know if I have the strength in me to continue this painful road alone.  I just desperately want a hug. Today I want a hug.  I need a hug.