Panic is like a hurricane wreaking havoc amongst your carefully laid out emotions that are neatly placed into compartments. When panic occurs all sense of normality leaves and your emotions are haplessly strewn across the lawn of your brain as you try and gain control fast before you sink into a quagmire of slushy sand. Racing against time so that you don’t drown into the quick sand that wraps itself around your body, clings to your body, and with difficulty you can be set free. It is almost impossible.
Panic is not my friend. Panic has no place in my life. But somehow the devil uses this panic to make me feel weak and vulnerable especially after a night with little sleep. I feel like my senses are out of control and I have to tell myself to breathe. Hannah, breathe. Hannah it will be OK. I have to breathe. I have to count to one hundred till the panic leaves my body. Except it isn’t leaving. It is sticking to my skin like wet clothes after a long walk in the rain.
This panic all started after my son died two years ago. Panic and anxiety. Hand in hand. Laughing at my discomfort. Making me feel uncomfortable. Making me feel useless, worthless, unworthy, unlovable, rejected, abandoned. And I hate it. I hate how it pushes people away in my life. I hate how it rules my life. I must trust in God. I must believe that I can overcome this senseless grip that pushes me under. I just need to find my equilibrium.
Today is not a good day for me. Today my body is being ravaged by panic, and I am shrinking into my tiny shell, shaking, trying to gain control of my rapidly out of control emotions. And you know what I hate it? I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling suddenly like a no-body. I hate suddenly feeling like this life isn’t worth living, and all I want is to jump out of this window because I can’t seem to get out of this state of panic, no matter how hard I try.
Trust in God Hannah. Trust in the Lord. Read his truths. Don’t listen to the lies of the devil. But how do you do that? How do you do that, when the voice of the devil is louder than God’s soft voice? How do I get out of panic’s grasp and cling onto God’s love?
I am drowning. Falling, falling apart. And no-one is here to rescue me from my own senseless emotions of devastation. Not understanding why the silence. Not understanding why these emotions are ruining the person I am meant to be. I can’t deal with this anymore. I am giving up. I give up. I can’t cope. I am drowning. I can’t fight this anymore. I don’t have it in me anymore.