Lately, I just feel so bored and fed up with my job. Lacking the motivation to be able to do anything useful with my time. Feeling like I am not contributing to society in a way that I would want to contribute. I am so fed up that I just want to curl up into a rabbit hole and forget that I have to work to make a living. Curl up in a hole and let the depression consume me whole. Or I can do something about it and become motivated.
I have decided I need a goal. An end in sight. So, basically I have decided whether I find a new job or not I will no longer be staying in this job for another year. I will finish it up in January time so that I can leave in March. I am waiting for a big break. A break where I will no longer have to have a 9 to 5 job. Ideally I would love to have a job where I can decide my hours, and where I can impact people’s lives rather than reading infinite numbers and contracts. I know I am not too far away from reaching my goal.
In approximately six months’ time my book will be published, and I will be ready to promote it, Lord willing. Lord willing I will have the motivation to do it then. Now I have absolutely zero energy left in my body. Maybe because I am tired. I had another tough night. It took me ages to fall asleep. Ages to come to a place of peace, and to fall into a peaceful slumber. My brain was working overtime again thinking about the endless possibilities that never seems to end.
My heart’s desire is to serve God in the best way possible and I believe that by serving God I will be able to impact people’s lives with my story of restoration at the foot of the cross. Sadly, this is something I can rarely talk about at work. About how I overcame my loss. How I continued to live even after the passing of my son two years ago. I somehow was able to pick up my broken heart and move forward. Sure, the job I have is just a temporary job. A job that was a means to an end whilst I figured out what God wanted me to do with my life.
I know God wants me to talk about my loss and help other parents who have lost children that there is hope and that we don’t have to walk this dark lonely road forever. Whenever I think about what God wants me to do I feel a quickening in my spirit and I know that this is the road that God has in store in for me. So roll on 2017.
It’s funny how sometimes you just want time to move forward more quickly so that you can get out of your uncomfortable circumstances. Right now I feel like I am neither moving forward nor backwards. Just stagnant like a body of water that captures hundreds if not thousands of mosquitos and has this murky smell. I guess this is a time of waiting, a time of preparation. I am preparing my book for publication. It is currently by the editor. I am contacting a graphic artist who can do the front cover of my book and then it’s the launch. Time for me to promote it. Time for me to share my story and impact people’s lives Lord willing.
Not work in a job with endless frustrations, endless numbers with no end in sight. With no appreciation. I want to make a difference in the world. And I am not achieving that by sitting behind a computer 9 hours per day. I need to see people, meet people and make a difference in their lives. I can help others who have lost babies if only the Lord would allow me to share my testimony and learn amongst other ministers.
So, I pray that I can make an impact on people’s lives. That I can show them that there is hope even where there seems to be no hope. I have to wait and prepare for my future, and be diligent in hearing God’s voice and following his will for my life. This is my only desire. That I follow God’s ways because if I follow my own ways I will only land myself in thick slushy mud and only experience more negative experiences then positive.
Lord lead me the way please, please fill me with everlasting peace and guide me to make the right decisions for my life. Help me to be at peace about my current job and help me not to get so frustrated. I pray this in your Holy name. Amen.
I wish you luck in following your true vocation. It is admirable to want to help others xx
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Thank you for your kind comment. It means a lot to me.
How are you feeling lately? The journey of stillbirth is tough. And i think of you often.