Today I woke up feeling glum, and the gloominess increasing by the minute. The volcano of tears almost always ready to explode. Ready to break down into tears. Wreaking havoc everywhere in my wake. It simply doesn’t get easier with time: the missing, the longing for what could have been but is no more. I woke up at 4.30 today. I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about everything which set me into a state of panic as usual.
My mind is on auto-pilot. Thinking. I don’t want to work here anymore. I want to work somewhere else. But with no motivation, it becomes increasingly difficult to find a new job because the enthusiasm isn’t there. So the endless circle continues. The circle of negativity as I get dragged further and further under in a job that I distaste so much. How can I get enough motivation to find a new job in the area of my interest? How do I pick that up?
Oh God, do you even hear me? Do you even see me God? The pain in my heart. The sadness in my heart. The grief in my heart… And then there’s the weekend. Another weekend alone. Alone. No-one to spend it with but the dogs, cats and turtles. Do I really want to spend another weekend alone? I hardly have any friends. Well I do (at least I think I do).
And the tears have exploded. This is it. The volcano of tears have reached the surface and the water drops are falling, falling, falling into nothingness. Surrounded by a familiar presence. The all-consuming darkness. I see myself in the mirror and all I see is the brokenness of a woman behind the curtain of water. The pain so clearly etched onto her face. Desperately alone.
Fiddling with her hair. Desperately trying to cling onto something tangible. Something, somewhere, sometime this time will all be forgotten and it will get easier again. It will get a lot simpler. But for now I am stuck in this pit with my deafening emotions as I sing into the quagmire of negative marshland. Learning to walk slowly as not to sink into the thick slushy sand. For if I sink, I will sink deep into the reverberating carpets of negativity. And this is not what I want.
Oh God. I need you to fill me with your grace please, with your love please. Heal me o Lord please, please heal me God. I need you every hour, every day, every second, as I learn to cling onto you through desperate situations and good situations. Cleanse me from the inside out oh God, please hear my cry. Abba, father I need you. I need you to comfort me today. I need you to release me from the anxiety that plagues my very being. This is not the life that you have in mind for me. So, Lord please show me the way clearly. Please guide me to make the right decisions for my life. Oh God. I need you.
Restlessness plays a key part to my anxiety. I just want to be free from this anxiety that plagues me. I want to be free like a butterfly. Is that too difficult to achieve? So the tears roll down endlessly as I learn to face the situation with gratitude rather than with despair. I learn to deal with my anxiety. Anxiety that I never really had, till death occurred inside my womb and then from the moment that my son died, I faced anxiety on a whole new level. Sometimes afraid to even leave my house for the fear is too great to bear. I cast you away anxiety. You have no place in my life.
God please cleanse me from the inside out. Purify me. Help me to cling onto your word. Help me to cling onto you as I desperately seek to sit in your presence alone in that secret hiding place. Help me O Lord to be free in your love. Help me oh God to see your will for my life. Help me God to be at peace. You God, alone I seek. Help me oh Lord. This is my plea today and every day till anxiety no longer rules this broken woman.