John 1.5 – The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

For the past week I feel like I have run on empty.  My body has no fuel, so therefore the angst inside of me builds up to boiling point and bubbles over and seems to scar everyone in its wake.  I then have to withdraw myself before I risk losing my friends, because they simply cannot cope with my negative whirlpool of emotions.  It makes me hate myself.  It makes me feel like I am incapable of sailing through adulthood in one piece.  It makes me feel incapable of being a good supportive, loving friend – in a normal adult fashion.  I have this intense hatred for myself, and I look at myself in the mirror and I berate myself for messing up again and again and again.  It makes me think how can I be such a needy, vulnerable person?  Why cannot I not be a normal adult?  Instead, here I am a woman living on the edge of a precipice emotionally.  So this is my last blog post for I don’t know how long until I feel like I am able to cope with or let God gain control of the negative onslaught of emotions that is battering me like some helpless little leave unable to see past the thick angst that is covering her entire being, festering like cancer.    This is my life right now.  An angst ball of negative emotions, trapped in far, frightened, helpless, hurting, weeping, broken and completely exhausted in trying to be supportive and encouraging to others, but the past week no real encouragement has come my way.  Breathe Hannah, breathe.  Relax and dwell in the safety of the Lord’s love.  This is what I need.  I just need undivided attention from the good Lord to get me through this period of uncertainty.

‘Cause right now I feel like I am running on empty and I have no fuel left.  I feel like a tiny insignificant person.  Someone once told me that I cannot save the world.  Well, I am starting to realize that.   I cannot extend or overextend myself when in return it feels like there is no reward.  Perhaps one day all of this will make sense.  I wish I didn’t live on the edge of a cliff emotionally all the time.  But with so much uncertainty in my life, I feel like I am slowly losing the plot, unable to find my equilibrium.  Unable to find the balance and peace within me that I am slowly sinking into the thickness of slushy marshland.

Ever since Sebastian died I had to find my new place of peace, my new place in this world, slowly things started making sense, but then a tsunami of positive emotions, positive experiences flood my very being only for a hurricane to come by and wreak havoc in my life once more.  Why do I always need to experience negative emotions to come to a deeper relationship with God?  Why can it not be a bit simpler? I remember so clearly when Sebastian was born, the energy left my body, and I was unable to find the motivation to do anything.  I was depressed and I had no will to live.  I even planned my own suicide.  I came a long way from there.  18 months after he died, I wanted to commit suicide again because I was drowning in the slushy marshland of negative emotions… only for me to go to a concert, and experience God’s love on a newer and more wholesome level, that my exit on planet earth was abandoned, and I desired to know God on a deeper, and more intimate level.  21 months and a week later, I am an emotional time bomb.  It is like a ticking clock.  Tick tack tick tack tick tack tick tack tick tack tick tack tick tack.  And all I can hear is the negative emotions pounding against my soul and I can’t feel God’s love right now, nor can I feel him near me.  I can’t feel anything right now.  All I feel is the onslaught of negativity.  Negative criticisms, negative emotions, the demons taunting me at night robbing me of precious sleep, which of course leads me into this negative spiral of emotion where I can’t even be of use to anyone.  I will not let the devil win.  I will overcome this negative hurricane of emotions and I will feel the warmness of God’s love again.  Ultimately, God is my healer, and he is the only one that can get me through this.  Where the darkness seems to be increasingly taking over and the light slowly diminishing from my life.

My body is simply bruised and shattered, and over-exhausted from trying to fix the world, and ignoring my own pressing needs.  I miss my son.  I miss my daughters.  I miss my best friend.  I miss myself, where I once was able to skip down the road in complete peace.  And feel God’s love cloaking me and feeling safe in his arms.  Before my son died, I used to be a relatively emotionally stable person, after my son died, I have become an emotional person.  I cry at every little thing, and I feel like a failure if something goes wrong in my life.  As if everything is my fault.  I feel acutely the suffering of others, and I place myself in their shoes and imagine how I would feel in that moment.  There is simply too much mush going on in my brain, to make any sense or headway from it.

I see the world differently to most people, maybe because I am an observer, I am an outsider.  I write, to help me process things.  I am an emotional person, because I feel things more acutely.  But this is who I am.  I try to reign in my emotions so that they don’t spiral out of control.  I beg God to take away the angst inside of me.  What is he trying to teach me?  Why do I have go through the storms of life, where some people seem to be sailing through life without batting an eye.  Why do I always feel so isolated and lonely?  So worthless?  I suppose it is because I am letting the devil override God’s voice.  I will not let that happen.  The next couple of days I will focus on regaining my equilibrium, regaining to feel God’s love cloak around me, so that I can be in a better place emotionally.  I am sorry for this blog post.  For laying my soul bare.  I just needed to get it all of my chest.  I am asking for prayer.  I am asking for guidance, some miracle that I can feel the peace I have been feeling so recently come back into my life.  I want to be healed from this angst inside of me.  That is my daily prayer.

My angst stems from my parents’ divorce at an early age, from being bullied as a teenager in school, it stems from having a really negative experience with my marriage, and being hurt emotionally/physically by my ex-husband and it stems from losing three children all in the space of six years.  Please cut me some slack and understand that occasionally it is normal to go through the hurricane of negative emotions – and eventually I will come out again once more stronger, and more resilient.  Stronger and more able to help others once more, and give them my undivided support.  I cannot save the world today but I can save myself.

My prayer for today is this: Oh God, please come and fill me up with your love and your peace.  Oh God, I desire to have a deeper, more intimate and more fulfilling relationship with you.  I ask that you cover me in the blood of Jesus so that I may be healed from this angst, completely.  I pray that you give me peace, and that you give my friends peace.  I pray that you help me to hear your voice clearly amidst the slushy marshlands of negative emotions.  Oh God, hear my cry.  I need you, for I feel like I am stuck in this dry and parched land, where there is no water.  My lips will glorify and praise you in my times of need.  I will thank you for the lessons I can learn from these trials.  Oh Lord, please guide me, and help me to focus on your word more and more.  Help me to seek your presence earnestly.  Oh God, I just need more of you in my life.  More of you Jesus in my life.  More of you.  Fill me up with your love, and your peace oh God.  Let me live according to your will oh God.  Please heal me.  Please help me to be at peace.  This I pray in your most Holy and precious name.  Amen.  Hallelujah, Lord.  Set me free from the chains of angst I pray.  Amen.