As I sit in solitude listening to quiet music in the background I reflected on the last year and look through a looking glass on what what has been and has gone.   It seems as if the good moments are just but fleeting, and the trials lay heavily on ones heart.  I have two ways that I can approach this.  1. To approach it with zeal and faith, and 2. to abandon my faith.  Which is the better option?  I know to approach every trial with zeal and faith is the better option.  God will carry me through.  He will keep me going.  What is my purpose God?  What is the purpose of my life?  What is the point in all of this?  What is the point?  I ask.  I question.  I contemplate.  I wonder.

Sometimes I ask God, please do a miracle.  Move me somewhere be it Australia, NZ, America, South America, Canada, somewhere else in Europe? If it be in your will please just move me, and I will follow you somewhere where I can serve you fully…. Is it your will to get my book edited? Published?  If so, when will this happen?  Why do I feel so broken this past week?  Just please Lord do not keep me in a dead end job where I feel like I am not in my element.  I just feel like I am existing. Breathing.  Getting through the day, only to go through the motions again the following day.  Lord help me to seek your will clearly, please for my life.  Help me to be faithful to you.  Show me your way.  I do not want to be a doormat.  I want to move forward in life.  I want to help others (like you have shown in my visionary dreams two years ago).  When will that happen?  Lord help me to overcome fear of rejection… fear of abandonment, help me to overcome bitterness, and help me to overcome my wounded spirit.  Help me to be whole within you.  You are my God!

Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you. Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Again a week full of things to think about.  Full of things to learn from.  Full of things to learn to understand and not to underestimate God’s wisdom and how He works within us for the benefit of our good and yet we do not deserve His love.  We do not deserve God’s love but He loves us.  He comforts us in our time of need.  He gives us wisdom and he guides us onto the righteous path.

I realized in the past week that each time I get hit with depression – that i can combat it through prayer, through fasting, through reading scripture, through holding onto God’s word, and through talking to people who WILL actually encourage you with the word of God.  I withdraw from people who do not know how to encourage me.  Or where it feels like they are having a negative impact on my life.  Maybe I should withdraw from work?  Move away without a second thought, and take a step in faith and see where God will lead me next?  I remember when, i made a decision to leave my ex-husband.  This was a 3 day decision.  To move away for safety reasons.  Best decision of my life.  God blessed me tremendously then.  If i do it again – will the same happen again?

Now as I sit in solitude.  I feel like I have had to take a few steps back and learn to fully depend on God again.  Two years ago when I was pregnant I was fully depending on God to get me through – then why do I feel like my faith is so, so weak?  I am close to God.  I fast. I pray.  I spend a lot of time in prayer.  But I feel like he’s far away..  That innocent faith where I completely believed in God and fully knew that he would provide regardless of what I was facing.  I had clarity then.  Clarity about my future, about what God wanted me to  do but now that clarity has gone.  I don’t feel certain about my future.  I feel uncertain.  I feel afraid.  I feel afraid that I be stuck in a dead end job.  I feel afraid that the love i have experienced will only come in passing like butterflies passing by.  I feel that having a ministry to help others seems to be a far fetched dream. I feel that getting my book edited and published seems to be a very unrealistic dream.  Today I feel totally broken, and at the foot of the cross I sit once more and i weep silently. No longer am I ashamed of my tears.  No longer am I ashamed of crying openly.  God is softening my heart. Hallelujah.  I feel like  I somehow couldn’t even keep my son from certain death.  And yet in Sebastian’s short time on earth he taught me so much about God’s love, and about blind faith.  About taking a step onto the water and just trusting God that we can walk on water.  I had clarity then for my future.  I knew what I wanted.  I don’t bother asking why he died anymore. Why can’t i go back to that innocent time?  Lord please help me to have that blind faith again, where i rely on you completely.

Sitting on that swing yesterday afternoon as i walked home from work reminded me of a time when I was carefree and when I was joyful and peaceful in spirit, with that innocent child like quality about me.  That too is gone. Well, is it gone?  Or has my faith matured over the last 20 months?  Has my relationship gotten deeper in the last 20 months with my Lord?  I think so.  Yes, definitely. I rely heavily on God.  I trust him fully, but the innocence is gone.  I read bible studies to get me through rough days.  I fast to get me through rough days.  I worship God to get me through rough days.  All in all, I am no longer relying on my own strength.  My strength is in God.  The Lord is my Shepard. He will lead me wherever my paths take me.  He will restore my soul.  Without God’s strength where would I be?  Probably in a ditch somewhere.   Probably drowning.  Probably dead.  But lets face it, I am not dead, i am here, because God has a purpose for me.  Whatever that purpose is?  What is your purpose for my life God?  Why does everything always have to be so complicated and messy?  O Lord, I pray you answer me, give me a vision, something to help me to keep going…. O Lord I pray for your hand upon my life.

I am not the same person I was a year ago.  I am different.  I feel like I am facing a different kind of war.  A spiritual battle within me.  I want to be fully dependent on God – all the time.  Not just five minutes here, and five minutes there..  I want to be dependent on my God 24/7 *365 days or is it 366 days… Anyways I want to be reliant on him all the time.  ALL THE TIME.

The thing is I just don’t know anymore.  I feel lost.  I feel broken.  I feel confused.  I am a wounded spirit.  I let the tears roll down my face.    I miss my son, my daugthers.  I miss certain wonderful things in my life….  I also seem to  fight conflicting emotions.  If i am happy is it a betrayal to my children? Would I be betraying my children if I moved on with my life and decided not to have children?  Decided that I would rather minister to others who are completely broken, who have lost babies, been abused and have no way of moving forward in their life?  There is hope at the end of a very dark bleak tunnel.  Believe me you, i have traveled it, i am still traveling it.  Its a bit like this: i travel in and out of this dark tunnel.  Sometimes theres light, sometimes there is dark, but ultimately i will come into the light, and feel the complete peace of God transcend on me.  At least I hope so..  I know so!

Learn to be vulnerable at the cross and to relax in God’s presence Hannah, and all things will work out for the Glory of God’s kingdom.  Just keep facing forward.  So I ask, please pray for me.  Pray for clarity, pray for a vision for my future.  Pray that I will remain in God’s presence.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Any insights on my writing please feel free to contact me at hannahcfairchild@gmail.com  Would love to hear from you!