Overcoming the feeling of rejection is no easy feat. In fact it proves to be a very difficult to overcome. A life-time of rejection and feelings of abandonment have left me rather shaken in the last week or so.
Yesterday, was a bad day for me. A day with a stinging nest of fear, feelings of rejection and abandonment. Low self-esteem. Self-hatred towards myself. You name it. How did I overcome it yesterday when the day seemed so dark, it felt like it never would end. It felt like I was trapped in this body that I didn’t recognize as my own. The chest constrictions, the tightening of my chest, all warning signs to a full blown panic attack/anxiety attack.
I was planning to go to church, but then I changed my mind. Too much turmoil inside my mind, I went for a long walk, sat in a park, read my bible. Sat in the presence of the Lord, till the restlessness would go away. Till I felt secure in His love for me. My identity is in Christ, not in anything else. I sat at the foot of the cross for the majority of the day, and it gave comfort to my broken soul. My broken spirit. It refreshed my spirit enough to keep going through the day. Only now, those feelings are threatening to burst again, work isn’t helping my mood either. I need to remind myself to have a good Godly attitude and extend grace. I should also learn to extend grace to myself.
I fasted all day yesterday, I drank water. And in the evening I had a yogurt drink. To be honest, I hardly drank yesterday, but by the end of the evening i felt in a better place then i did when the day started. I didn’t feel so helpless then. I didn’t feel so panicky then. I felt at peace, well as peaceful as i could be considering the feeling of rejection has been a pretty powerful part of my week.
During my quiet morning in the park i stumbled across Psalm 27. Thank God for that psalm! The Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall i fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life. Of whom shall i be afraid? I must have read this more then a dozen times, and it gave peace to my mind. It gave me peace.
For some reason it had to rear its ugly head up from the surface in the last week. I guess God is telling me something here? I should face it, head on and not be afraid. I prayed that I could go on a prayer retreat for 6 days. I am waiting to hear from these people. My hope is that if I go on this prayer retreat, that I can seek some spiritual healing, emotional healing, and that it will be the building foundation to complete and full healing in God.
When my son died a little over 20 months ago, I felt rejected by God. But reality is I wasn’t rejected by God. I wasn’t rejected by my son. It just happened to be that it was time for him to go home to be at the feet of God, rather then be in his mommy’s presence.
I know that the feeling of rejection will be one of the issues that i have to learn to tackle. That it won’t be an easy thing to tackle. But that it needs to be tackled. If i don’t tackle it now, I will become neurotic later in life! – And i don’t want that. I need to be secure that just because someone doesn’t talk to me, that doesn’t mean that they are rejecting me. It probably just means that they are busy. I am worthy. I am loved. I am appreciated. God loves me. God appreciates me. My worth is in God. And nothing else. So I commit this day into God’s hand, and I cling onto His Hope. I trust in God. I trust in Him wholeheartedly. And i will cling onto him. Onto the cross i will nail all the bad things that have happened in my life, and I will give my hopes and dreams to the cross, and hope that God will provide in his perfect timing.
My question for you today is this: how do you overcome your fear of rejection? Your feeling of not being worthy? Are you putting your hope in worldly goods? Or are you putting your trust in God, in the cross?