This was written exactly one week after I gave birth to my sleeping son.  I was trying to find strength somehow, somewhere, and I was desperately clinging onto God.

Psalm 34:6-8
6 This poor man called, and The Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. 7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. 8 Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

As many of you know I have recently lost my son Sebastian David. Well for me it is a loss but God gained another angel and I take great comfort that God had mercy on my son who was born into heaven rather than on earth. Isaiah 57:1 Yes, my grief is immense. Difficult. I cried out to The Lord and I asked him why but there was no response. Just silence.

I think it took many of us by surprise. I had pretty much a healthy pregnancy throughout or anyways Sebastian was healthy. I was struggling with the physical sides of pregnancy. Maybe more so than some women.

Maybe through this tragedy God wants me to reach out and talk about trust and relying on His strength even through our darkest hours. As I am writing this in between my tears it is 4am but I am greatly comforted by the fact that my beautiful baby son has gone to be with our Father in heaven.

Friday 26 September, I woke up with contractions early morning. I think it was about 4am. At that point I thought all was well with my baby son and didn’t think of anything. But maybe I should have questioned myself. Why is he not moving? I didn’t question this until lunch time. By 4 I became really concerned as my parents so we went to hospital. My 8 year old sister asks what if Sebastian died? I vehemently deny this. My son is alive! Hospital we wait in accident and emergency but it looks pretty much deserted. And the door is closed after 20 minutes waiting my mom tells my aunt I am going to knock on the door. They answer, let us come. I pray in between asking god to give me reassurance that all is well.

Contractions are hurting more. My faith in The Lord is still strong and I am repeating my prayer that all is well with baby Sebastian. I get put into the examination room. I pray more reverently when they send my aunt and mom out. I hear the doctor urgency. I pray harder and faster. Please God let there be life. I then ask the doctor bravely is everything OK with my son? His response was bleak. It seems like your baby is not living. My body sags, I ask are you sure. I wonder why. My faith seems to leave my sinking body. Mom comes in gets told. Then they whisk me off for further examinations. I text a handful of people saying I need prayer. My baby has no heartbeat. I secretly hope that god can provide me with a miracle but it isn’t meant to be.

In these hours my faith is severely tested. I must not let the devil win. I must stay faithful to God and praise him even if all I want to do is scream out in pain. My faith flickers dimly. It nearly dies. But people from all sides are praying. Praying for me but God took my son. I lost my son. But I remember back in February when I had completely given up on my faith baby Sebastian put my faith and trust back into the good lord. Sebastian gave me hope, for a future and showed me how to lean on God’s promises.

Was this pregnancy futile? No! God gave Sebastian to me to make my faith stronger. To rely on God. Trust in him for all good things happen. Praise him for all things. Even for the painful situations you end up being in.

1 Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful always; 17 pray continually; 18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

As my faith in my darkest hour was almost just a small glimmer in the darkness. I started singing It is well with my soul, it is well with my soul and slowly my faith came back. And comforted me giving me strength to keep on going with this labour even if I was grieving. I had to put it aside. Admittedly I would not have minded if God took me home to be with my son. The doctors said to mom I will die if I don’t push this baby out by a certain time frame. I thought they were not being serious. I didn’t want to believe the seriousness of my situation. I wanted to die. I was despairing. Instead of thanking god for life and for my sons life. I was raging with anger. The contractions were raging inside of me. I wanted to die, I wanted god to take me home. I got prayer from every stretch of the world. Reaching from America to England to Slovakia and many other countries where my friends resided. Everyone was united in one prayer. God give Hannah strength to get through her darkest hour. God help her through this. Help her through the delivery. And slowly prayers were being answered. God gave me strength. But I did not want it yet I kept asking people to pray for me. I was praying on and off. But all I longed was to hold my son in my arms.

I think God wants to remind us that whatever situation you are in the happy ones, the painful ones, even in the sad ones. Praise The Lord always. Always look onto the cross John 3:16 for god so loved the world so that he gave his only begotten son so that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. The truth is that Jesus died on the cross for us. He died for our sins. What better truth is there then this in the world?! We should be thankful to God and we should try to live like Jesus. We should not live on our strength we should live on gods strength and feast our thirsty souls on his word.

Even if my grief is immense at the moment, I am celebrating and rejoicing with The Lord and thankful to The Lord for this experience. My son Sebastian David brought hope and joy to my life however short I had him. He gave me my faith back and I will not let it perish and go all to waste because my son died. Then his life would have been pointless. Instead I will continue his legacy and keep trusting and relying on God in my darkest hour! Praise The Lord god almighty!