I remember writing this after I heard about my mum’s two cousins committing suicide.  It was like thunder had struck me and I was viewing life through a looking glass, and watching it flash by before me.  It could have been me…. but it wasn’t….. I realized i had to take control of my life and not let the darkness overtake me.

So, I found out that my mom’s cousin died on Saturday. Apparent suicide. Enough Said. Then on Sunday the cousin’s brother committed suicide. He could not bear to live without his sister, apparently. Such awful sadness for the family involved. I know them from family gatherings, but nothing more than family gatherings. Mom knew them better. The brother committed suicide because he could not envision life without his sister as he was not married and had no children, and hardly any friends. Absolutely devastating. How much does one family have to go through, before they get some respite? Before they realize that there is only one way forward. One way towards the path of happiness, peace, and that is by planting your trust in God, and putting your faith in him, and believing in him completely with every cell of your body.
All afternoon I have been thinking of my own situation. This could have been me a few months ago, I could have been the one that took my own life, after my sweet baby boy died. After my little Sebastian died. But I didn’t, and as I reflect back I didn’t pull through by my own strength but by the strength of God and the people he placed in my life to help e come to terms with my loss! And I praise God for his guiding hand on my life. I am so grateful for the people and for God who held me in those months when I was in the depths of despair and could not see a way out. All I could see before me was the shadow of death lingering by my side, ready to help me take that choice. But God was more powerful. God was stronger, and held me closer to his heart then the devil ever could. And so for that I am truly grateful, that I did not commit suicide. That I did not end my life in such a senseless way. That I did not cause a wave of shock if death occurred, if I had turned into dust. But God had control on my life. He had his guiding hand on my life. For that I am truly thankful. I cannot express the gratitude I feel. The feelings of immense peace that have filled my soul. That have interweaved themselves into my very being, into every cell of my body.

Those early months when only darkness filled my days, and the despair I felt and the immense guilt of not being able to do more to save my son. Not being able to do more to have helped myself. I was in such a bad way. I did not care about life, nor did I care about my appearance. I just let everything go wild. Wild like the unkempt gardens of ones’ internal garden. You learn to live through it minute by minute, the darkness, just to cope, learn to go through it day by day as you slowly start awakening from the shadows of death, and go into open green pastures as you put all your trust and strength into believing God once more, and knowing that everything happens and God will always be in control whether you know the reasons or you will not know the reasons. You just have to believe and trust that God is in control of every situation in your life, regardless.

So with that, I have a strong conviction, a very strong conviction to live my life to the fullest, to live my life by faith, to live my life by passion. To show to the world what my God can do. How my God touches every corner of my life, how he leads me quietly amongst the still waters and the valley of death and that God is always in control regardless of whether I am going through the season of darkness or through the season of light. I am truly and utterly thankful that I have been given the opportunity to live my life by faith. To live my life by trusting in God. Thankful that I am a Christian, and that I am coming to a point of peace in my life once more. To put my complete trust in God. To plant that tiny mustard seed of faith into the hearts of my family’s life. To not let the devil have ‘control’ where he thinks he has control. To let God seep into every corner of our life, and to let him lead the way. Without God’s input where would I be? Where would my life be? Would it have been in shambles like my mom’s cousins? Would I be lying dead in a ditch somewhere because I could not care in the slightest for my life anymore?

No, today is the day that I take control of my life and that I will live my life with a passion, that I will enjoy every moment of my life because we only have one shot at it. The best way forward is to believe and to learn from our past battle wounds, but not to dwell too much on it, because God has a greater plan for us. Much greater then we think.

My soul, my body, cries for God, and is just so thankful for the beauty that we can see in life. The beauty that we can see as we go through the looking glass. There are two sides to the looking glass. You can see life in a negative light or you can see life positively and take it in your stride, and skip down the road, and dance to the music of God. You can go out, and thank God for the beauty in every season and for not letting death take over your life. This is what I think.

You have a choice to make, and I wonder if I will make a choice? I think I have made a choice. And I have chosen to look through the looking glass positively rather than in a negative light. I have decided that there is so much I want to do for my family, and the love that I want to give to them. There is so much I want to do with my life, to show the love of God and that life is worth living even in our deepest moments of despair.

Therefore, as I reflect the loss of life in my family, the pain that it has caused to many family members I think of my own loss, and I know that grieving is but a season, but that we will pull through with the right support network that will fill our days. I am grateful to Sebastian my beautiful son, for letting me spend some time with him, and I am grateful that he is so happy in heaven! The best place to be in the world. So, I say I learn to live again. I am no longer existing, breathing, surviving but I am living my life with a passion and I say thank you Jesus for filling my life with so much love and hope and strength in the last months! Thank you Jesus, for filling my spirit with your love, and your tender grace. Thank you for the flowers in spring and the beauty you create around us. Thank you!

So, my prayer for tonight is that my family is at peace, and that they will come to know God in this very trying time, that they will put their faith into him, and that God will plant a tiny mustard seed into their lives, so that they may come to believe in our Heavenly Father. This is my prayer, that my family knows the comfort and peace of God as they go through this trying time after they lost two more family memories. I pray that God can comfort them as he has me after I lost my little boy. I pray that God can engulf them with the love and care that he gave me, during my moments of deepest despair and still he continues to hold me close in the palms of his hand. Praise God for that!

And so my body says now, it is time to fall into a peaceful slumber. Good night world. Thank you God for showing me clearly what my life could have been tonight, if I had taken that drastic measure of committing suicide all those months ago, when I could not see past the tip of my nose. Now I see light in the distant tunnel, and I see a hope and a future for my life! Amen to that. Praise God!