Reflecting back to a time when i was overeating, i am thankful now that those days are long behind me.  Now in front of a desk sits a woman who is slightly more proud of her appearance than a year ago… I changed my attitude and i changed my approach to food and it has helped take away the rolls of fat…. Exercise! – Best thing that was ever invented…..

So as I sit in front of my desk most days, I sit there and stuff my face full of crappy food. Why? Since losing my son, I have just pretty much consumed anything that I can lay my hands on and stuff it down my throat. I didn’t care what people thought of me. But now, well I still weigh more than when I was pregnant completely with my son. And shock horror! I have so much fat flapping around my stomach it looks truly awful. And it makes me truly ashamed of myself. How can I have come to this point in my life where I just over indulge in food instead of looking after my appearance? Yesterday, I felt deeply embarrassed by my appearance and so un-woman like that I went out and bought myself an outfit. I couldn’t wait to get out of what I was wearing, because clearly you could see the rolls of fat rolling over the skirt top. A very unattractive sight, if I have to say so myself. Why then, I question myself do I put myself through the misery of comfort eating? Every time something goes wrong, I search the cupboards or I go in search of something to eat, to compensate for my miserable self and for a while I seem to forget everything around me and am satisfied by stuffing my face full of food that is unnecessary. I felt beautiful when I was pregnant with my son. I didn’t look fat then. I looked like a blossoming young woman. Now, I just feel old and unattractive. So unattractive that I had to go out and buy figure hugging clothes to show off my curves. But is that the answer to my crisis? I do not think it is an answer to my crisis. I think I need to slowly take pride in my body and be happy to show off my curves, while I slowly learn not to over indulge in food, and learn how to eat properly once more where I don’t stuff my face full of food when I am feeling like the whole world is collapsing around me. Yesterday was such a day. My skirt that I like to wear tore in half so I had to wear another skirt at short notice. Only to find that I looked so unattractive that I was so embarrassed to go out.

How do I change this? How do I change my outlook on life? How do I let what others think of me not affect me? How do I move on from my grief in a positive way? Since losing my son, I have compensated with food. I comfort eat to compensate for my sadness, for my loss, for the big hole that he left behind me; thinking that I will fill this empty void inside of me. But it is not the case. I do not fill an empty void; instead the void becomes emptier and lonelier as the rolls of fat become a bit bigger every week. Or maybe this is just my imagination. Maybe, I don’t have huge rolls of fat swimming around my body. But this is how it feels. When I look at myself, I feel like I lost my self-respect. I feel like I have lost my ability to live for myself, I feel like I have failed looking after my appearance because after he died, I did not have the energy to go back to the gym, nor did I have the energy to look after myself because it took all my energy to just do that. I have this intense self-hatred for my appearance.  And then, I started working, and so one thing led to another, where I simply neglected my appearance.

I can see when people look at me and say thank God I don’t look like her, with all that extra layers of fat. And I squirm further in my shell like a turtle, hiding away. If I want to get married again one day, maybe I should learn to look after myself again, and learn not to over indulge, learn to respect my body, and give myself some credit for what I did achieve. Losing three babies in the last 5.5 years is one of the toughest things a human endures. It takes its toll on your life. It is incomprehensible. You learn to live with the pain, but for a while you are stuck in a cocoon shaped ball and want to flee everything that reminds you of the things that you should have. But there is no avoidance anymore. You can only look forward, and move past that intense grief. It is not easy to do this. You are entitled to grief your child. But people, think when they have not met your unborn child and then they die that they were never really there. That never really existed. They do not comprehend your pain. They do not understand where you are coming from, and expect you to move on in one two three. It is not as simple as it looks. It takes a lot of courage and energy to go past a point where you accept, but you carry your children forever in your heart. And sometimes you have to learn how to accept all over again. It is not something that comes in one two three. It comes and goes in waves like the tides of the sea. It comes and goes and you learn over and over again to accept your unfortunate circumstances and you learn to relearn how to live your life. You learn to build your new norm, and with that a sadness walks hand in hand; sometimes pressing onto your hand ever more tightly reminding you of their presence. Other times it just sits quietly in your hand and doesn’t press so hard that you can get on with your life, but it will always be a part of you. It will never leave you. Though, you will learn to live with it and learn to deal with it at the appropriate times.

My life is in shambles. I have not yet learned how to pick up the broken puzzle pieces of my life yet. They are scattered everywhere like the autumn leaves. They are broken in different shapes, sizes and colours. They are there. The pain is still to raw. People think that I should slowly come out of my turtle shell and learn to live again. But how do you do that, when you lost the most precious thing in the world? How can you move past this? How can you? My life is still a whirlpool of emotions. Some days I have good days, other days I have bad days. Each day is a struggle. Each day that I wake up I have to physically hand over my son to Jesus and say here you can look after him. I know he is safe now. This is not how I imagined my life to be a year ago, when I was eagerly anticipating my son’s birth. I was so excited! I could not wait to meet my precious little miracle only to find out that he was taken from me before he even got to meet the world. Why? This is one of the unfortunate events in my life. I struggle with this. I was ready to be a mummy. I am a mummy! I am my son’s mum! I am my daughters mum! I am a mum, even if people do not see this. Do not know this. I am a mum, and I am proud to be my son’s mum and my daughters’ mum even though I have got nothing to show for it. It just breaks my heart, each time I think of the fact that I am not allowed to parent my children that they are in heaven, and I am stuck here on earth. Everyone else gets to have a chance at motherhood, but each time I near it, it gets snatched away from me, and then I have to learn to rebuild my life amongst the debris of my heart.

All I wish for is one more sunrise and one more sunset with my son. One more sunrise and one more sunset is the song of my heart. If I could have one more chance with my children and turn the clock back to those days when I had them, I would be the best mummy ever. But this is just a dream. Slowly God and the people around me who love me are sewing the debris of my broken heart back together. And slowly the season will turn once more into a happy season. Maybe one day God will grant my heart’s desire. The sewing of my broken heart hurts at times, as it pokes at areas in my life that needs to be improved. With that I say goodbye to my overeating habits, my over indulging, and let a new path be created! I am beautiful, this is what I have to remind myself of constantly. My children love me. My children know that I am beautiful. I am beautiful. I am a woman and I am also a mum.