Flood Gates

A thankful heart will get you through a lot:  the tough days and the good days.  

Psalm 103:1-5  Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

I wrote this letter to my son back at the end of February.  After he was gone from me for 17 months.  I was in a desperate way then.  I was in this dark pit, and I felt like I could not get out of it.  I felt like the darkness was engulfing me.  In fact it was surrounding me – and no matter which way I turned, the darkness was getting darker, and it was getting deeper.  I was in a desperate place.  But God answers prayers!  God is good… for about a month after i wrote that, things slowly started to change, and I started to have hope again.  I felt God’s love, and peace come….  

My dearest Sebastian,

It was as if the flood gates opened for mommy today – as she sat in church today the tears just poured out and out. Big fat ugly tears of pain and sadness all wrapped in one place of solitude. The pain still etched all over my face. I just don’t know how to go on. I have lost it completely. Where once I was able to just pick up the broken puzzle pieces – lately I am not even able to do that. And it scares me. It scares me that I cannot pick the broken puzzle pieces up anymore.

Tomorrow it will be 17 months since you were born silently into this world. 17 months. Hard to imagine. It feels like it was yesterday and I don’t know how to move past that. The more days that go by the further away I feel from you, the more your memory becomes a distant memory. And I am so afraid that I will lose you. I do not want to lose you. That I have already though. So I don’t know what is causing this deep sadness in my aching heart.

I used to day dream. I day dreamed a lot back in the day when there was full of hope and excitement when I couldn’t wait to see you. When I couldn’t wait to hold you. I used to dream about what we would be doing together. I was so determined to be the best mommy that you could ever ask for. Except I never got the chance to prove that love that I had for you to you. I didn’t have the chance and it just seems so unfair. I am that mother that lost her baby. And I hate it. I hate it so much.

If the Lord could just hear my pain, my sadness maybe He would bring some hope back into my life? Or should I not ask? Sebastian, please just give me a sign, something to help me to cling onto again – so that hope may once more live in my heart. Oh my dear boy I miss you so much. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

I wish I could read your bedtime stories; I wish I could do all the things in the world with you but that did not happen for some strange reason you were not allowed to stay. You had to go and I just don’t understand it. I do not understand it at all. Now I don’t allow myself to dream about what could have been. Now I just put one foot in front of the next foot and I walk painfully forward. It seems a lot more difficult to move forward then the previous times when I could pick myself up and dare to hope that things would get better in the near-by future.

I feel like I am stuck in a desolate desert and I am far away from everything. I feel like I am in this unreachable place where no-one dares to walk because of all the hardships that lurk behind those walls… Or maybe I am just very good at building up walls around me so that no one can get too close to my heart. I don’t know. I just feel this horrible pain and I can’t get out of this dark black pit. In my nightmare I am standing there screaming at the top of my voice – someone help me please. I need a little bit of love to. Please don’t forget me. Silence then hits all the corners of the desert place and I am fighting a losing battle.

Don’t you understand? That when you died, a part of me died to… Now you are so far away and with each passing moment you are moving further away from me Sebastian, as is everyone else. It’s like they have forgotten. Like they don’t want to remember. Sometimes I don’t want to remember being pregnant with you because it only brings more sadness to me because I was not allowed to do all the things that mothers with living babies got to do. I guess no-one will understand this.

I love you Sebastian. I miss you. I miss all the things that I could have done with you. What else is there to say? Nothing else really… because there are no words to describe the sadness, the ache in my heart. I cannot move past it… and I am sorry if I am a disappointment.

I love you sweet boy, sweet baby boy of mine. I love you and I miss you. Please remember that whatever happens in this life please remember mommy loves you and tried so hard to keep you safe.

So one more sunrise without you and one more sunset without you. One day we will meet on the other side of the sun God willing.

Love you always.

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