The poem despair I wrote in January 2015 when I was in the midst of a severe depression.  I couldn’t get out of it.  Wherever I turned I just saw darkness.  I was plagued with nightmares.  I was alone. Fighting the battles.  Missing my little boy.  Trying to make sense of why he was taken away from me.  It reflects the inner turmoil I had.    The way it was written reflects the chaos in my life.  Its merely a reflection of how my thoughts were erratic.  When you lose a child you do not know how you will react until you are in the middle of it.  People tend not to understand.  Especially if it is just a still-born baby because though you didn’t make live memories… and people didn’t meet your child, you had that deep inner connection with your child.  Dreams, hopes, you imagined for a duration of 9 months of what you were going to do with your child, and what the future would be like… only for it to change merely in seconds.  Split seconds when you are falling, falling, falling into this pit of despair without realizing when they say ‘I am sorry but your child is no longer living.’ The silence that echoes then…. Something I would rather not remember, but it remains deeply embedded into my heart.  The poem was a desperate cry for help.  I was suicidal.  I wanted the pain to end.  I hated myself for not being able to do more for my son.  I didn’t want to keep living cause i didn’t see the point… But somehow, this poem, this cry for help made people realize that i needed more support.  My prayer is that no-one, absolutely no-one has to go through losing a child.  And if you do, i pray you will find comfort in God, and that there will be people who will be ready to catch you when you fall, and that they won’t preach at you, but just listen and be there for you.  That they will lend a shoulder to cry on.  That they will cry with you, and share memories with you of your child.  That is my hope.

Day night bad thoughts

Chest constrictions

Fear

Pain

Hurt

No way out

Into this darkness.

Just one long

Big

Ugly

Rough

Tunnel.

~~~

Where is my baby?

Why did my baby die?

~~~

Sea waves high

Like steep evil mountains

Luring you

Into

Their pit of despair

Running

From one end to the other

Trying to find escape.

~~~

HELP ME PLEASE

Let me out.

But only a

Loud silence

Ringing in my

War torn ears.

~~~

And then the silent

Tears drop and drop

And rush down like

A waterfall.

Punishment for what?

~~~

Where is my little boy?

Why did he die?

~~~

HELP ME PLEASE.

The current is

Pulling

Me

Under

And I

Feel

Like

I am

Suffocating

Once more.

~~~

As voices

Around me taunt

At me and

Say bad mommy

You are a bad mommy.

~~~

This is

What my life has become

A darkness

Where I cannot get out.

HELP ME PLEASE!