I can see myself standing at the edge of the wilderness. I can feel the wind on my cheeks as i imagine myself standing on top of a cliff-side my arms up in the air in complete surrender as I view at the breath-taking image before me – the sea and its crashing waves against the cliff’s hard rock surface in front of me. Then from the side of my eyes i can see the looming mountains in the distance. Two of the best places in the world to be.
I can feel God’s love surround me in a comfortable embrace. And I know I will win the gloominess that was for so long a part of my broken world. My life is slowly starting to have more colour in it. Less darkness, more light, and it feels refreshing… Very refreshing. I am so grateful to God that things are starting to look up, that things are starting to be better. That i can see myself overcoming the trials that have been thrown at me during my walk with God. So thankful that I was introduced to God on 15th January 2004.
To feel this complete love for the Lord my God is amazing. I hate to admit it but i used to have this love hate relationship with God. Well maybe not necessarily a hate relationship but more like not a very comfortable relationship with him –> because i didn’t have that deep personal connection with him as i do now. Well maybe for God we had that deep personal connection, but i remember for me it was not as powerful as it is now, because I guess i didn’t fully understand it until the last 8 years.
My relationship with God became more personal when i went to university, and joined the Christian union. I got baptised on 14th February 2011. I wanted to get baptised in December 2010 but because of heavy snow fall, it was cancelled. I was so disappointed! After I got baptised, the devil tried to drag me under. Sometimes, it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. But somehow through all the trials that life has thrown at me i have managed to come out of them stronger, and more resilient for God was with me, and God loves me.
In February 2014, I left home for a safe place, and i had this deep knowing feeling that any mother normally experiences that i was pregnant without having to do a pregnancy test. I was pregnant with my son. The time then i was so close to God. So unbelievably close to God. I clung onto him, i leant on him. I learnt all about TRUSTING and OBEYING Him. I remember being pregnant, and telling mum and she wasn’t sure if I should come home… But God was 100% certain that I should come home. So I prayed about it for a few months. By that time, I had found an apartment that i could be living in, i had a baby bed, and i already collected some clothes for my son, when i had a phone call from my mum asking me to come home. I remember it so clearly. Easter weekend –> Hannah jumping up and down for joy. I was going home. Hallelujah. God provided. Perfect timing.
I witnessed God moving mountain after mountain during my pregnancy. I felt really close to God, i didn’t feel very far away. I felt loved, i felt safe (for the first time in my life for a long time). I felt joyful, at complete peace. God helped me through every trial and tribulation in those long difficult months. Pregnant, facing divorce, facing a move, financially unstable, emotionally not at my best. Recovering from low self esteem, depression, etc. Frightened of what the future would hold for me, but God extended Grace beyond what He should have ever extended for me. I am not worthy of His love and His grace. And yet God loves me a sinner, and has given me so many second chances. Thank you God. Thank you God for your AMAZING GRACE in my life. For allowing me to dwell in the shelter of your wings safely.
I remember the journey home-bound. Frightened to say the least. Uncertain about the future. Mixed emotions. Relieved to go leave this part of the world behind, where so much pain occurred. So much hurt inflicted on me, so relieved to go back home. It was 29th July 2014 when i left the UK – no turning back. I collected my bags from a friend’s house in London, and then made my way to the airport. Dreading the flight. Fear of flying does that to you (you know?!) I prayed that someone would sit next to me and that they wouldn’t mind me if i held onto their hands as tightly as possible. Luckily two lovely women extended their grace. Asked me questions about my son, what i was going to name him, etc., etc., But the plane began to shake a bit more then i would have liked it to, and i was hyperventilating when a steward came to me and sat in the aisle on the floor! Took my hand in his and he asked me questions about my son, when he was due, what i was going to name him, the plans i had for our future together (how innocent i was back then, not knowing what was about to unfold in my life). Talking about my son distracted me. I was six and a half months pregnant, nearing 7 months rapidly. The steward explaining to me that the shaking of the plane is normal, and describing the noises we heard that it was also normal, and that it was no cause of concern. So i began to relax a bit and enjoy the ride. Eventually the plane landed into the airport where my parents met me with my brother, hugs all around, and the journey began. The preparations for Seb’s arrival. How exciting!
Mom joked to me about not giving birth to him till i had my health insurance sorted, so she made sure i only ate healthy and not too unhealthy. It was lovely being home and being looked after again. Had my first natal appointment, and got a real clear viewing of my son at 7.5 months pregnant. My brother was like oh my, look at that! Seb’s got your nose! Pointing out the glaring obvious. I was so, so proud. So excited. Eager to meet him. Sanding my son’s baby bed. Relaxing, nesting. What expectant mothers do… Then one day everything changed. And Seb was gone. And i was still there fighting for my life. Believing that God can perform a miracle. But God had other plans i guess.
All i can say from looking back in the last nineteen and a half months, God brought me back so that I would have the support of my family around me, the support of my church, and that i would have a safe place to grief. It was a long painful journey. Many wilderness years, starting from November 2009. Brief respite of the wilderness during my pregnancy with Sebastian. And then back into the deep dark wilderness. Yesterday, I felt for the first time really free. It felt so very real – reaching the edge of the wilderness. Seeing the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Ready to shout for joy, and skip and do a little dance.
I am so thankful to God for how he carried me through the wilderness and never left me even if it felt like he did. I am so thankful for all the people who have impacted my lives with their stories. I am so thankful that i am stronger, and that i did not succumb to the devil’s taunts. I am safe underneath the wings of God, my saviour. God is with me. God loves me. I am valued. Thank you Lord for giving me hope, friends who helped me to see through the darkness. Thank you Lord for your Amazing Grace in my life. As i enter into the light, i can start seeing a future of helping others who have gone through difficult times. Fear not, for there is hope if we put our trust in God!