Palpations. Racing heart, chest constricting. Nostrils flare. Repeating myself. Breathe Hannah, Breathe. Arms and legs beginning to go numb, weak from lack of oxygen… or from the panic that wants to set in. I will not let the panic set in! I will overcome the panic. The anxiety that is threatening to burst its dams. Uncontrollable hand shaking. Breathe Hannah, breathe. I can feel my heart racing against my chest, trying to escape its confinement. I will not allow panic to set in. I will put my eyes on the cross. I will cry out to God. I will cry out to my Lord, my Savior to help me overcome this debilitating feeling.
My eyes are searching for an escape. Claustrophobia is setting in. The window is open. An easy escape route? Breathe Hannah, Breathe. Nostrils flaring as I take in gulps of air, trying to calm my racing heart. Trying to still my shaking hands. They will not stop. They are shaking. Focus Hannah, focus on God’s word. On God’s love. Music in my ears. Trying to not break into a sprint out the door, into the open fresh air away from this mess of a life that I am in. I can only praise God for the bad days and the lessons I can learn from them.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
O God hear me please, I do not want to give in to this panic. I do not want this panic, this anxiety. I want to have complete and utter peace in Your Holy and Mighty Name. O Lord hear my prayer, help me to still my racing heart. Help me to still my shaking hands. My heart crashing against my chest. My eyes drifting for an easy escape. Where is my escape? Is it out the window?! Away devil. My escape is the FREEDOM THAT I HAVE IN GOD. God my savior, my protector, my shield in trouble. Focus Hannah, focus. Be still in the Lord, for the Lord God is with you. You are not alone. Relax Hannah, breathe Hannah. It is well with you. It is well with you.
Tapping leg. Insecurities ugly head rears out of nowhere and traps me into a world of complete darkness. It traps me. It laughs at me. It taunts at me. It knows my weaknesses. I cannot allow myself to succumb to panic. My hope is in God. My focus is on the cross. O Lord Help me, as I seek you. Twitching foot, hands shaking, trying to breathe deeply. Learning to control panic before it is blown out of proportion. Help me please. Help me please. Despair knocking on my door. Despair ready to take my hand as if for unwanted marriage. I do not want this despair. My hope is in God. My hope is in the cross. I am safe. I am valued. I am worthy. I do not need this powerful darkness that is always ready to take my hand and drag me under like a thousand nails pulling, pulling, pulling me, and I am pulling the other way, pulling, pulling towards my freedom. I am not despairs friend. Help me, before the darkness takes over, and I disappear once more into the lion’s angry jaws.
Heart racing. Panic rising a notch. How did I get here? How did I get where I am now, where the feeling of dread is powerful. Aftershave smell. The smell of a distant memory, distant bad memory. The panic sets in and I want to flee. I want to leave this place of unrest. I want to be away from this place of darkness. I want to get away from that aftershave smell. Reminds me of the pain I had to endure for so long, of being trapped, of not being able to express myself freely. O God help me to get away from this smell, this fear. Help me O Lord I seek you. I cry out to you. That distant familiar look, the ghost of my past, haunting me, laughing at me, reminding me, it is not over just yet Hannah. Wait till I come out to get to you. My fear rising, bile in my throat, ready to leave. Ready to escape from this panic induced fear of the ghost that once hurt me so badly that I was completely broken.
Help me please. Pray for me please. God hear my prayer. I am sitting in your presence seeking your love. Seeking your peace. Seeking your refuge. Under your wings I will dwell, and I will overcome this panic, this fear, and these anxiety attacks. Help me to be at peace within you, I pray. Breathe Hannah, breathe. You are valued. You are loved. You are safe now. No-one can hurt you no more.