20th/21st April – Sleepless Night

 

Dear God,

You know my every thought, my everything. O Lord thank you for the burst of energy you have given me! Fill me up Lord with your presence. Fill me up with more of you Lord, please. Allow me to be in your presence. Sleepless nights seem to be a common place within my broken heart. Every night I dread going to sleep, dreaming the same nightmares over and over. Every night like clock-work I wake up between 3 and 4 and that’s it for me. My night is over. Then I lay thinking about Sebastian. Wondering what he is up to. Wondering if he misses me like I miss him. O Lord I love my baby boy so much and I miss him. I love him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to see him. I wanted to smile at him, and look down at him with a humble pride. But I didn’t even get the chance. Sometimes I wish things were different somehow, well, honestly all the time. But I also know that you know what is best and everything that happens is for the good of Your kingdom.

Lord help me to see more clearly in all areas of my life. Lord please help me to sleep more peacefully in the coming nights I pray. This cannot keep going. Waking up myriads of times at night. Or is this your way of saying to me ‘come to me Celine, talk to me Celine, and I will give you rest’. Are you trying to tell me something o Lord? Help me o Lord. Hear my prayer of my heart. Guide me o Lord please!

“The loss of a child is like no other.

Painful beyond words.

Life altering.

Requiring more time to HEAL than we ever imagined necessary.”

AND

“Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.”

This God is how I feel most days. I am good at hiding it. I know I am in a better place than I was a month ago, but my heart still silently griefs for my baby boy. It is a battle between wanting to be healed to a battle of wanting to hide away in complete and utter solitude where no-one but the Teddy bear, God and I are in the room. As I lay on my bed crying deep heart wrenching sobs of utter despair (that no other human should ever come to hear). A gut wrenching cry that makes me think of the early days when it was the only thing that consumed my body the gut wrenching cry of a broken mother. And on this dark eve it is like those early days after the doctor told me the devastating news of the death of my son. I just want to weep. I just want to know that it will be OK God, I just want to feel your presence. I just want to feel complete in your holiness.

My heart is completely and utterly broken and it steals many precious hours of sleep from my tired broken body. Help me o Lord to lift up my spirits. Thank you Lord for your love to me even though I do not deserve it. Please forgive me Lord. Help me Lord to feel refreshed in your Holy mighty name! Amen.

With all my love,

Celine xx

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