I wrote this a year after my son died. I remembered him with a fondness and an ache. Letting go off balloons. I wept but i also rejoiced. I am proud to say that Sebastian-David was and IS my son ALWAYS.

 

It is 1.05 pm

a whole year since your birth

and death

but it seems

as if it only happened hours ago.

 

Still I hope to awaken from this nightmare

to find myself running after

a toddling baby

and loving every minute

of being your mama.

 

I have always known

that losing a child

would be the most difficult experience for a parent to endure.

Yet I never imagined the pain would feel so much like terror

as if we are a deer paralysed by the sight of a train blinding our path.

 

So I live and relive the hours before your birth and the hours

after your death.

Wondering.

Was it something I ate?

Was it something I had done?

Was it something that I lifted or said?

There I was desperately clinging

to theories on

why you couldn’t hold onto life.

 

I only know that from the moment of your miraculous existence

inside of me

I loved you intensely.

I loved you instantly.

I loved you.

I love you.

 

Just as the other two whom I so deeply love

I also loved and needed you.

And so now I still love and need you.

 

And each day I dreamed and planned for your future

your kindergarten class

graduation

college

your wedding day.

Even your own children. But I never planned your death.

 

Now I ache for you

handsome Sebastian.

My arms long desperately to hold you

and to love you

as your eager little self would have

toddled about around the living room carpet.

 

I long to kiss your soft skin and stroke your cheek as I nurse you at my breast.

I long to rock you to sleep and sing you the ‘raindrops on roses’ song.

 

I long to see you growing every day,

playing with your sister and cousin

filling our days with your laughter and our nights with your love

and snuggles.

I long to take you on walks to the park.

And see the glimmering sun in your beautiful eyes.

I long to awaken you every morning

with a smile and a kiss (or three).

 

But your death has left me with an empty womb, an emptiness

so dark and a broken heart.

Wondering if the sun will peek again

or if the sparrow’s song will ever sound as sweet

as it did when I was pregnant with you

my sweet child.

Wondering if each and every smile will always be this painful.

And each tear as heart wrenching.

 

And though others may,

I will not forget you, little boy.

Nor do I wish to try.

I will love you and keep you

close to my heart

until my last dying breath…

 

Forever yours,

Mama