My dearest baby boy,

It has been a while since mommy has written you a letter.  So here goes.  Mommy is feeling sad the past couple of weeks.  Struggling, battling depression.  Hardly hungry these days.  Maybe its too hot??  This summer on 29th July marks two years since I moved to Slovakia again.  Two years ago I was eagerly anticipating your birth, and I felt like I had the whole world at my feet.  Now, its a different story.

The Lord knows my battles.  I struggle between having hope and having no hope.  I thought that the wilderness was long over, but obviously not yet.  I still grief for you precious boy.  I still feel like there is a big Sebastian shaped hole in my heart.  I don’t know why you had to die, nor do I know the purpose of my life currently.  Am I supposed to help hundreds of other people and point them towards the cross?  Point them towards God?

If I had known two years ago what laid ahead of me – I think somehow if I had stayed where I was that you would have lived?  Instead of moving thousands of miles away.. Or would you have died anyways?  Sometimes it is easier to be in denial about what is actually bothering me now.  But you are laying heavily on my heart.

Remember the poem I wrote you 18 months ago back in December when I was full of despair, apparently some people refer it to a ‘song of hope’.  It might be recorded and help other women who have lost babies.  I never imagined you’d have such a huge impact on other ladies.  Jules said he will pray about recording your song.  I hope it can be recorded and help many other women who have gone through what I have gone through…

My friend Mandy was reminding me yesterday the following because I was in quite a low place after I got hit with a migraine attack ‘no you are needed on this earth as you are a great help to so many mothers who have lost their babies.  It is not time for you to leave.  God still has work for you hear and things will get better.  I know they will.  You will be happy again, you are really an inspiration to many people and a very talented writer.  Please don’t have those thoughts.  Its never going to be worth losing your three children, but I am sure you will be happy again.  You need to understand how talented you are and think more highly of yourself.  You are talented, beautiful, young, with a lovely life ahead of you.  You are a lovely person, don’t put yourself down, realize who you are.’  Thank you Mandy for encouraging me.  Thank you for reminding me, and dragging me away from my spiral of negative emotions.

Sebby, tomorrow is Toby’s birthday.  Please spend the day with him, and play with him.  He is bound to miss his mommy.  I know you will look after him, and that you will play with him, and that Jesus will be there, and that you guys will be playing at the feet of God.

Next week is your cousin David’s birthday.  He would have been three on 18th of July.  We miss you and the girls, and baby David.  Well you guys are surely not babies anymore, but to me you will always be mommy’s babies.  How death snuck up on us too many times.

Oh Sebby, mommy’s head hurts a lot lately.  She has been getting a lot of migraine attacks, I believe they are a spiritual attack on me.  For a long time they were gone, and then they started again a year after they told me that you had died.  I pray that they will go away one day soon.

I can’t believe it is almost two yeas since your death.  The summer months always fly by fast.  I still do not know what I will be doing on your birthday.  All I know is I do not want to be here in Slovakia.  I want to go somewhere, somewhere new, or somewhere safe.  Meet some new people.  Like last year, I met an Australian lady and I spent 4 or 5 days with her on your birthday.  I want something similar to happen this year.  I view it as a retreat.  A place where I can go and be safe, and just silently grief and celebrate your life in the way that I need to celebrate it.  I wonder if something similar will happen to me this year where I can just go away from my daily routine and just focus on remembering you, and simply you.

It is hard to imagine how fast time has gone, and how much I have changed.  Still battling the storms of grief, but I know I am slowly coming to an end of this journey,, eventually, I am coming to a place where I am starting to feel that I can help others, if only in small bite size chunks… I know if I help too much that I will end up in the spiral of negative emotions.

Is there not a way Sebby, to show mommy a sign?  Something to cling onto to know that I am following God’s footsteps.   Because really right now I don’t know what to do.  Right now I don’t know what to do with myself.  I just feel sad and empty, lonely and crowded all at once.  My brain is all muddled up.  Please show mommy a sign.  Remind mommy of the times that we did have together.  Oh my precious boy you meant the world to me.  I really hoped that I would have been a good mommy to you.

I often wondered what you would be like… would you have thick curly dark brown hair?  With green eyes like mommy?  What would your smile look like?  How would the sound of your voice be like?  Would you be a mommy boy? What would it be like to read you bed time stories and tuck you into bed at night?  And do our daily prayer together?  Mommy would pray for you every day you know that don’t you baby boy?  I used to pray for you every day when I was pregnant with you.  I would lay my hands on my bump and pray protection over you, only you died at the end.  How did that happen?  I guess God had a bigger and better purpose for your life… I dreamt that you would bring hope to my family and others, but when you died, that dream kind of died.  Till now… because apparently you do bring hope to others without realizing it.  You are indeed a very special little boy.  And you are safe in the arms of Jesus.

You are never far from my thoughts baby boy, though I don’t write to you much anymore, doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.  I will always love you no matter what.  You have given me so much hope and you still do when things look glum… I pray that you will whisper a word to God to see if he will answer my prayers… Mommy needs some clarity lately…. desperately need clarity… and I believe only God can give me that.

Wish you were here, wish you hadn’t had to die.  Wish I could have cuddled you, and stroked your cheek, and watched you smile, and watched you grow into something big and wonderful, and become the man of God…. except I have to be thankful that God had mercy on you.  You don’t know the pain like we do here on this broken earth, and I am thankful for that.  I love you sweet baby boy.

I miss you sweet precious child… I love you.  Till we see each other again, dance away in heaven! I look forward to the day that I can meet you again.

With all my love,

Mommy xxxxxxxxxooooooooxxxxxxxxoooooooooooxxxxxxx