It is amazing how much you can discover in the diaries that are covered in dust – diaries full of heartbreak, and letters to my son, as I try and process my grief.  It is only now after 19 months, nearly 20 months on this journey that I dare to open the books again and see what I have written.  When I look back at what I have written, I see a mother deep in the midst of grief and deep human agony, and yet I also see how I clung onto God, and how I was holding on for dear life.  Really amazing when I look back at it. When I was going through it I didn’t notice how close God was with me.  I don’t recall feeling the Lord’s presence with me.  But the diaries are very revealing.  God was indeed very close, and I was sitting at the foot of the cross pouring out my heart to God.  My heart of anguish.  And PRAISE THE LORD He pulled me through.  He carried me in my storm!

As I birth you into heaven, your body on earth

I watch as you enter into the light, and I into the dark

and this is the point where our journeys change.

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You are off to sit at the feet of the Lord

and I cautiously venture into the realms

of the unknown, as I figure out how

to move on from your sudden departure.

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I plan your funeral, I sit and weep

holding your blanket in my hands for comfort

and wonder what God wants me to do.

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My prayer is that I carry on your legacy

but I wonder how and my dream

is to see you one day again.

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How I wish I could hold

you on this dark, dark night.