They say that time heals all wounds, and that as time goes on the pain lessens. But does it? I had to sit down and I had to cry. The flood of emotions overwhelmed my brokenness. I sat yesterday in church and I let the tears roll down my face ever so gently as the memories flashed by me as if I were stuck in a traffic jam. All the joyous moments I had with my little boy. The emotions that I will cherish in my heart forever of when he was within my womb. It is amazing how much emotion you can have for a little boy that you never ever met in person. The emotions that are so powerful and that can overwhelm you at the best of times.
The last few days it was a different kind of tears that are coming out. I sat on Friday in front of my desk and the tears rolled gently out and washed my face. Again the tears came on Saturday and they gently washed my face haunted by missing my little boy creased into its lines forevermore. Sunday came and I sat in church and the tears rolled as we played those songs of worship and listened to the talk. How Jesus was a tiny baby before he grew to become a strong man and leave a mark on this world more powerful than what any of us could ever do. Sadly, even after eleven months I still have an aversion to pregnant ladies or to people who are having newborn babies. I cannot deal with it. Though I am happy for them, I look at my own loss and question when I will be able to look into my child’s eye and experience that profound love that any parent goes through when they become pregnant and carry their child for many months.
The footprint that my son left behind on my broken heart was a powerful footprint. It is like he left a big dent on my heart that will never fade. Eleven months further into this line and I am learning to ‘let go.’ Let go. Let go. Let go. But how do you let go of a little person that you longed for all your life even though you didn’t know him. A little person that was created out of your flesh. And then left to be at God’s feet. How do you let go of the little infant you carried for nine months and loved so much and focus on this unknown future that lays beyond in the distance? The little boy that changed your mindset, the little boy that gave you a challenge to be the best you could ever be. The little boy who gave you your faith back. The little boy who taught you all about courage and all about love. A little boy who changed his mommy’s world forever. This was my son Sebastian-David. I am full of admiration of him, and for what he did to me and gave to others in his short time on earth. How he brought my family back together and we stood all strong as we faced the future uncertainly but at least I knew we faced it together.
I was scared when I was pregnant with my son, but I knew that it would work. That somehow we would pull through. That God would be with us. That God would carry us as he did in those early months and late months of pregnancy. When my son died, I was even more scared. I did not see God anymore. I felt so very alone. I did not want to experience this profound grief. The profound grief scared me. I wanted to die. I begged God to take me to. I begged God to take me home, because I knew that many months of uncertainty would lay ahead and that I would have to grabble with the situation and try and make sense of it. Yet I overcame this grief. I learned to deal with it. I learned to walk with it. I learned to challenge it. I learned to channel my grief into positive directions. I started throwing all my energy into baking, and cooking, and inviting people over for dinner to fill this empty silence that filled my life. The silence that I so dreadfully feared.
My son gave me the courage to try out new things. My son gave me the audacity to quit a job and move to a completely different country. And so I know my son will give me the courage to go to England in the coming month, and together with God he will give me the strength to keep smiling, to keep remembering him even if I feel like I might forget him. I know that my son is inside of my heart and always will be. I cannot describe the love I feel for him. I simply call it a mother’s love.
As I enter the eleventh month without my son, I am facing new challenges, new fears that I am so frightened of facing, but it’s a challenge and I have to take it. I have to live my life to the fullest and believe that there is a better future out there. And that one day I will be able to hold my daughter to my bosom and nurse her like any mother should. I have to make a resolution that this month will be better, that I will carry on my son’s legacy and that I will go forth in complete faith in the Lord, knowing full well that he knows what is best for my future even if I don’t always agree with it. I know I should not be afraid of the future, and that God is in control of every situation.
As I look back over the last eleven months, or twenty months, I have changed. I have become stronger, but I feel more peaceful, I feel like my rough edges have subsided and that I have become gentler in recent months. I reflect and I look differently at the world. I am less carefree. Less naïve. I focus more on the meaningful stuff of life.
I am thankful to God. I am so thankful to God for providing me lessons of patience and a steep learning curve after I lost my son. I had a small glimpse into the pain God experienced after Jesus died on the cross. I am thankful for this, even if I would have anything in the world to have my son back.
I am thankful to my little Sebastian-David for giving me the courage to keep living when I did not want to live. I am thankful to my little girls for giving me the basis and the ground work in starting to believe again and for letting me believe that there is a brighter future out there, even if none of them are physically here. I can say it is well with my soul. It is well with my soul, and I am ready for a new and brighter future.
Thank you all for praying for me. And giving me hope and light when I thought there was none. Thank you for letting me be me, and letting me come to terms with my loss at my own timing. Thank you for hugging me when I needed it the most even though I did not want it. Thank you for wanting to spend time with me and for wanting to get to know me. But mostly thank you for being my friend and for caring.