My dearest little Sebastian-David,

It has been ten months now since you departed this world in a dignified manner.  Ten months of aching for you. Ten months of missing you. Ten months of loving you still + 9 months of wondering how you looked when I was pregnant with you.

I remember still those early days in the hospital, your grandma telling me to focus on the task at hand when all I wanted was to fade away with the sands.  Those days prior to your birth, those long four days of labor were difficult. Mommy remembers every detail of those four days prior to your birth.  Every detail of the days spent in hospital preparing for your birth.  Mommy didn’t allow herself to have emotions when they told me that you had gone to another world. Mommy had to stay strong and she had to focus on the task ahead of her and that was to deliver you safely.  Mommy just wants to say that she is sorry that she couldn’t fight harder to see you, and that she couldn’t fight harder to push you out the day mommy found out that you had died, a part of her had died as well.  A part of her soul went to the grave with you.  But it was as if all the energy was sucked away from my body.  All I could hear when they told me that you had passed away was my racing heart.  My cries of despair that still echo in that room in that hospital where they told me that was all gone.  I was secretly hoping that the machine they used to check on you was not working. That it was telling a lie.  But it did not tell a lie.  It did not tell a lie.  It told the truth.  And then there was silence.  There was this gut wrenching silence.  The room echoed with my tears, the room where my screams were heard when you died, when you passed into another world to be looked after by our heavenly Father.  The pain inside my heart when I knew there was no more you, my hope that came crashing down like a violent train wreck.  My pain and all they could say was you are gone.  There is nothing more that can be done.

Then they took my mom to another room and told her that I would die if I didn’t co-operate, if I didn’t fight to live past this pain.  My heart ached.  My body ached.  Then my mom came into the room, she was crying, the tears flooding down her face.  She told me to fight.  She told me to fight and if I didn’t fight that we might as well go home and plan our funeral together meaning mother and son’s funeral together.  People knew that there was a chance, a risk of me dying, and so everyone joined in prayer.  Everyone was united in prayer as they were speaking life over me as I slowly felt the strength come within me, to be able to proceed with your birth.

On the morning of the day that you were finally to come, they took me down to the labor room, and once you were meant to be born I had to walk to the delivery room.  Yes that is right; I had to walk from the labor room to the delivery room so that I could give birth to you.  I knew you were coming.  Natural instinct took over, and I pushed and I labored through, until I just collapsed onto the table and gave it all my strength to push you out, and then with a plonk you came out.  Mommy’s heart stopped beating.  All was still. All was silent, people running in and out of the room, attempting to start my heart again.  I handed you over to Jesus.  I saw Jesus.  I saw myself giving you to Jesus just like in the dream I had when I was pregnant with you.  My heart stopped again and again.  And then it was ok.  I had to live as I had flashbacks of my mother’s tears streaming down her face.  My own heartache just as big, my son gone.

Mommy wants you to know how much you were wanted and how loved you were.  How excited she was to finally get to meet you, and cover you with kisses all over.  Mommy loved you so dearly that when you exited this world something inside of her broke.  Something inside of mommy just collapsed and she didn’t want to be reminded of the pain of not having you here with her, when all she did for those 9 months that you were with her, was to wait, to prepare, to love and to protect you from the things in life that you needed protecting from.

We have almost reached full circle, the firsts of everything.  Last year this time I was preparing to leave for Slovakia.  My final two days in London as I prepared to fly to Slovakia.  I remember I was staying at a friend’s house in London, and we went to a restaurant for lunch and after that we went to the cinema.  Probably one of the last times I would go before you would be born.  I remember getting ready to go, feeling the excitement in the throat.  Instead now I feel a lump in my throat.  I am sad that you will not be celebrating your 10th month here with me.  Would you be trying to stand up or would you be trying to crawl?  Walk?  I bet you would have already some teeth growing in place.  You would have been the cutest little boy ever.  Oh how mommy desires to hold you, and keep you close to her heart.  Mommy misses you so much baby.  I miss the future with you.  I miss the thought of you growing up and missing out on all your firsts.  Maybe mommy is just feeling a wee bit sorry for herself.  This is now how I had planned my life.  I had planned it around you.  I put my focus on you, and then you were gone.

I remember when I first found out that I was pregnant with you.  I remember the first days when I had a feeling that I was no longer alone but that I had a presence within me.  My blood was bubbling with excitement.  I cannot describe the excitement I just could feel the bubbling of excitement as I knew that life would change and would take an exciting turn.  Those early days of being pregnant with you were bedridden with morning sickness.  I have no idea why it was called morning sickness.  It was more an all-day sickness.  I was sick for months but so excited for your arrival that the sickness was just a small hurdle to cross.

I watched myself grow with excitement and I knew that whatever you were going to be the love I had for you was so big, and so precious I would never be able to let you go.  I loved you so much little one.  I don’t know but you gave me the strength and courage to leave and to fight for our safety.  I don’t know how a little person like you can give mommy so much courage to fight for what she believed in, to fight so that you would be safe and protected.  Mommy loved you so much.  Mommy loves you still.  You are still in mommy’s heart, as are your sisters.

Mommy remembered the way you kicked every morning three times as if to tell mommy to get a move on.  Mommy remembers how she used to sing to you in the bath as she placed her hands on her belly.  Mommy remembers how she used to pray for you and pray for the safe delivery of your arrival.  Mommy prayed and prayed and trusted and believed in God that all would go well.  Mommy knew the dangers of pregnancy.  So, mommy prayed for you little one.  Mommy had so much hope had a new sprint to her walk and she was looking forward to the day that she could hold you.  Mommy would skip down the road and sing with excitement.  Mommy was looking forward to sharing the future with you.  Mommy remembers how you used to kick and move around her womb softly yes prominently reminding her of your presence and then one day all was still.  All was quiet.  You were gone, and the silence that filled my days after you had passed was long and painful.  They are still long and painful.

Mommy’s desire is to talk about you, mommy longs to hear people say your name, but no one says your name.  No one says your name handsome Sebastian.  No-one dares to utter it.  I wish I could hear your name being whispered gently in my ears Sebastian-David so that I know that you existed.  So that I know that you were here.  So that I know that you weren’t just a dream that is slowly fading away with the seasons.  You were my baby, my precious miracle baby.  You gave mommy hope; you gave mommy her faith back.  You gave mommy the courage to fight.

Now mommy is just focusing on the future in small bite sized chunks.  Dreaming of a day when she can have a rainbow baby in her arms.  A present from you I hope my dear son.  I pray for the day that I will get married.  I pray for the day when I can feel the love seep through my arms.  Oh my dear little Sebastian-David I love you more than words could ever describe.  You were my all.  You were my little one.  You were my BIG hero.  Though you were small you gave mommy her faith back and you pushed her into believing and trusting in God again.  Thank you my dear little boy for choosing me to be your mommy.

I just want you to know that you were wanted, that you were loved from the moment you were conceived and that I was so excited to see you.  I couldn’t contain my excitement.  I didn’t care about what others thought.  If people could not accept that I was going to keep you little one than it would just be you and me walking this earth, just you and me.

Your clothes still lay abandoned in the basket in my room, your bed collecting dust, your teddy bears on top of the basket.  Mommy just wants you to know that you will always be in her heart, even if she moves on, you will be with her wherever she walks.  You will be close to her.  I love you son more than you will ever know.  Play safe and be free little angel.  Fly high, be the saving grace you were meant to be.  I love you.

Your loving mommy always xoxoxoxoxoxox