my dear Sebastian

my dearest Sebastian,

It seems like I have not written to you in a long time. I thought I had. Mommy misses you.  It’s coming to that time of year again, a couple months before your birth-date and death-date. You’ll have been gone from me for six years. Six years in heaven. My how time has flown since you died.  God has been good and wonderful to me. I feel so blessed.  Thank you my dearest son for helping Father God find mommy a helpmate. Someone that loves me tremendously and cares for me more than I realise.  Also, someone that encourages me, and makes me laugh every day. I am so thankful to the Lord for that.

Still not a day goes by where you’re not far from my mind. Though it’s very different to what it was six years ago just after you dying – you were constantly on my mind. It was a different way of grief. A different way of remembering you. I have fond memories of you, even if you were just in my tummy. You made a huge impact on Mommy’s life. I hope that one day soon in the not to faraway future I will be able to have brothers and sisters for you. But first I would like to get married. And hopefully that will happen one day.

I wonder sometimes what your interests would be at six years of age. What your personality would be like, and what we would be doing. I wonder if I would still be living in Slovakia with you or if we would have moved to another country? Sometimes I can feel this pain, this emptiness inside of me, and I can’t describe it. Only on reflection can I say – that actually I miss you, that a small part of me is missing. Yet so much joy and laughter has entered my world this year and I am truly grateful for that. Truly grateful for moments of carefree laughter. This year was the first time where I laughed from a place deep within me. It warms the heart of the love of my life. And I guess also God’s heart.

I sometimes wonder what you would look like and what it would be like to be a mommy of a living child? I have made some really wonderful friends this year. Thank you Sebastian for helping mommy come through this difficult time. I feel like I have entered a new season and I am trusting God that it will only get better from here.

Please know that I will always love you. I miss you, and think of you. You are  never far from my mind even if I don’t write as much as I used to. You are precious and cherished.

Love you always,



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